Havana, Cuba — Bernie Sanders, the popular Democratic Socialist Senator from Vermont, has gained a large following across the United States. But who is the man behind the glasses? Gish Gallop takes you into Bernie’s past. According to astonishing claims from various sources, Senator Bernie Sanders was born at Havana City Hospital in Cuba to an American Mother Dorothy Glasburg and a Polish Father.

The Sanders family lived in the Cuban city of Santa Clara and the young Sanders grew to admire Che Guevara and Fidel Castro for the caring way in which they treated the people of Cuba. A teenage Sanders could be seen running behind Guevara’s motorcade every morning and he took to marching in what is now a famous protest march in the early 1960s in Havana.

However, the Sanders family relationship soured after Bernie was caught having sex with a niece of Che Guevara’s. Bernie and his family were forced to flee Cuba on the trunk lid of a 1960 Chevrolet converted into a boat. He was found floating near Florida by the U.S. Coast Guard.

The only known photograph of the Sanders Family arriving in Florida.
The only known photograph of the Sanders Family arriving in Florida.

After a few years in Miami, the Sanders family purchased a Volkswagen Bus and traveled to New York City, where Bernie settled in and joined the Young American Socialist Movement. It was there that Bernie learned about his roots from American Bolshevik leaders in Brooklyn, a movement that still survives today in a more hairy, hipster form.


His involvement with the YAS changed Bernie’s life. He studied hard at Brooklyn College, where his favorite saying became, “are you bolsheviking me!” He later attended the Univ. Of Chicago, where he would trade guns to South Chicago locals in exchange for votes and engaged in what are now-famous civil rights protests.

As the young Sanders matured, he moved to Vermont, which is where his vision of American Democratic Socialism began to take shape. It was something he had dreamed about since his days as a Cuban young man.

Today as a Senator from Vermont and former Presidential Candidate for President, he can finally complete his dream and bring the lessons of fine Cuban cuisine to the United States.

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Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.