Havana, Cuba — Bernie Sanders, the popular Democratic Socialist Senator from Vermont, has gained a large following across the United States. But who is the man behind the glasses? Gish Gallop takes you into Bernie’s past. According to astonishing claims from various sources, Senator Bernie Sanders was born at Havana City Hospital in Cuba to an American Mother Dorothy Glasburg and a Polish Father.

The Sanders family lived in the Cuban city of Santa Clara and the young Sanders grew to admire Che Guevara and Fidel Castro for the caring way in which they treated the people of Cuba. A teenage Sanders could be seen running behind Guevara’s motorcade every morning and he took to marching in what is now a famous protest march in the early 1960s in Havana.

However, the Sanders family relationship soured after Bernie was caught having sex with a niece of Che Guevara’s. Bernie and his family were forced to flee Cuba on the trunk lid of a 1960 Chevrolet converted into a boat. He was found floating near Florida by the U.S. Coast Guard.

The only known photograph of the Sanders Family arriving in Florida.
The only known photograph of the Sanders Family arriving in Florida.

After a few years in Miami, the Sanders family purchased a Volkswagen Bus and traveled to New York City, where Bernie settled in and joined the Young American Socialist Movement. It was there that Bernie learned about his roots from American Bolshevik leaders in Brooklyn, a movement that still survives today in a more hairy, hipster form.


His involvement with the YAS changed Bernie’s life. He studied hard at Brooklyn College, where his favorite saying became, “are you bolsheviking me!” He later attended the Univ. Of Chicago, where he would trade guns to South Chicago locals in exchange for votes and engaged in what are now-famous civil rights protests.

As the young Sanders matured, he moved to Vermont, which is where his vision of American Democratic Socialism began to take shape. It was something he had dreamed about since his days as a Cuban young man.

Today as a Senator from Vermont and former Presidential Candidate for President, he can finally complete his dream and bring the lessons of fine Cuban cuisine to the United States.

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Mary Shaw
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Mary Shaw

The man in the picture was not Bernie Sanders, who wrote this article?

Sean Francisco
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Sean Francisco

Richard Simmons touched me inappropriately down there and made me cry.

Marco Medrano
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Marco Medrano

This article is pure fantasy. Sanders’ deep Jewish Brooklyn accent was not acquired growing up in Santa Clara, Cuba speaking Spanish. How do I know this? I am a Cuban American born and raised in New York, and I am a linguist. You cannot speak as Bernie Sanders does after growing up in Cuba for twenty years. The man in the photo you identify as Sanders is Jorge Gonzalez Ramirez, a mulatto and a lifelong Communist who later became a member of the Cuban Central Committee. I understand your zeal to point out Sanders’ dangerous beliefs, which are many, but… Read more »

Concerned citizen
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Concerned citizen

This is outrageous story. Him escaping the socialistic republic of cuba and then running for a president in the most democratic country in the world where elections are the farest and the media are the most just and honest. where you can trust what your politican is telling you and can be assured that a man who declears that he has the best interest for you is not lying. he should be sent back to his country and pay for his crimes. to be american you have to be born american.

Chuck
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Chuck

This is a humor piece…..isn’t it? Do people actually believe this?

Evan
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Evidently.

Mary Shaw
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Mary Shaw

No, not at all.

Cleveland Sam
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Cleveland Sam

Unfortunately, yes.