Clampers to Provide “Security” at Upcoming Westboro Baptist Church Event

Local Clampers plan on providing "security" for this event.
Local Clampers plan on providing “security” for this event.

Topeka, KS — A dozen or more Westboro Baptist ‘church’ members are on their way to Nevada City next weekend, following their embarrassing upset in Charleston, South Carolina. The Westboro Baptist Church (WBC) gained notoriety when the gullible press granted them notoriety for the ‘church’s’ anti-Semitic and anti-gay, virulently homophobic protests, often at heroes’ funerals, going back decades.

The Topeka, Kansas based ‘church’, founded by some bigot in the 50’s, is famous for statements such as, “The Jews now wander the earth despised, smitten with moral and spiritual blindness by a divine judicial stroke” and  “God has smitten Jews with a certain unique madness” and “Jews, thus perverted, out of all proportion to their numbers energize the militant sodomite agenda” and “Jews are the real Nazis.” Among other gems.

Westboro parishioners also say that tornadoes happen because gay people exist. Earthquakes, floods, sunstroke, deaths on a battlefield, dementia, the norovirus–all of these exist–because gay happens.

There have been counter-protests. When the Church wanted to protest in Joplin, Missouri in 2011 following a devastating tornado that destroyed the town, a biker gang called Patriot Guard Riders surrounded the entire town and sent the Westboro protestors running for their lives.

The Church has also somehow failed to connect with the public with their “Thank God for Dead Soldiers” campaign often held at Arlington Cemetery.

An example of a gay tornado seen over the Northern California "Wine Train" in Napa, CA.
An example of a gay tornado seen over the Northern California “Wine Train” in Napa, CA.

More recently, the Westboro members had planned to protest at the funerals of the victims of a mass shooting at Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church in Charleston, South Carolina with the compassionate slogan, “God sent the shooter.” The community had other plans. Charleston has made picketing funerals temporarily illegal, and the citizens have organized to form a human shield around the funeral sites to prevent Westboro access. Additionally, Anonymous, the famous “hactivist” group has vowed to, in their words, “cunt-punch” the members, both online and physically. The Church seemed to have received the hint and has stated its intention to go for lower-profile targets.

Such as a quiet funeral in Nevada City, California.

E Clampus Vitus or “ECV” has vowed to do the same sort of hate-blocking, human shield thing upon Westboro’s arrival in Nevada City this weekend. Members of ECV, known affectionately to locals as ‘The Clampers’, have sworn to do something about Westboro’s upcoming Nevada City memorial and funeral protests against a World War II  hero, veteran, Patriot, and lifelong Nevada City resident.

“These Westboro inbreds really think they can just show up here in our little town and spew their hate on a decorated World War II veteran’s funeral? They’re going to get a hurtin’,” explains Clamper James ‘Buggy’ McGrath, about the Westboro Baptist’s plans to spread their deeply depraved message.

The funeral of WWII veteran, Officer First-Class James Abner Hinckney, will be held at Pioneer Cemetery in Nevada City on Saturday. Hinckney, the recipient of the Medal of Honor, Distinguished Service Cross, Silver Star, Air Medal, twelve Purple Hearts, the Prisoner of War Medal, The Presidential Medal of Freedom, and many other medals and distinguishing awards, all in the brave and selfless service of our nation, has died of natural causes at age 93. The Clampers will be providing city-wide security detail for all services.

“If you show up with a “God Hates Fags” sign or “Thank God for Dead soldiers”, or anything like that, you will have your head stomped on and laughed at by not just Clampers, but by everybody in the KVMR listening area, and then stomped again. Probably by someone wearing a ‘Peace on Earth’ shirt and sporting a ‘Coexist’ sticker on her Prius,” warns ECV spokesman Jud ‘Judro’ Nelson. “A bottle (Jack Daniel’s brand) will also be smashed upon your head, by a local cop most likely. I really suggest to you Westboro members that you go back home to your shithole in Topeka where you are, apparently, tolerated and allowed to live. You will not find that luxury here.”

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