Coldplay Promises Not to Put Super Bowl Fans To Sleep

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Coldplay's Chris Martin promises not to put the Super Bowl crowd to sleep.
Coldplay’s Chris Martin promises not to put the Super Bowl crowd to sleep.

Santa Clara, CA — Super Bowl fans attending the 50th mega NFL event breathed a sigh of relief on Friday when the halftime entertainment headlined by the British rock band Coldplay promised not to put everyone to sleep.

Coldplay are a British rock band formed in 1996 by lead vocalist Chris Martin and lead guitarist Jonny Buckland. The band’s music has been called “meditative” and “blue romantic”; it “[reflects] on their emotions” and Martin “endlessly examine[s] his feelings.” Which of course is seen by some as hippie bullshit.

Following the announcement, several local ticket holders expressed different opinions on the statement.

“I’m a Broncos fan,” said Marlin Hawthorne of Littleton, CO who had traveled from his home to the Bay Area to watch his team play. “And I know that this is the Kookytown, but I have no desire to be put to sleep by Coldplay. I’m here to watch football, not be tranquilized by Gweneth Paltrow’s vagina talking band.”

Not everyone had such a negative attitude towards Coldplay’s appearance.

“I paid over $500 for my ticket just to see Coldplay,” said San Francisco resident Wayne Slide outside a Santa Clara Starbucks. “I don’t even like football. Too violent and pro-military industrial complex stuff, you know? Anyhow, I’m willing to put all that aside just to see dreamy Chris Martin do his thing. I can’t wait!”

The 50th Super Bowl has a scheduled kickoff at 5:30pm Pacific Standard Time, with the halftime show to take place at, well, halftime.

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LOL Chris Martin “dreamy” *vomits*