Colo-rectal Cancer Forces Cruz Out Of GOP Race

Senator Ted Cruz apparently has advanced Colo-rectal and lip cancer.
Senator Ted Cruz apparently has advanced Colo-rectal and lip cancer.

Houston, TX — A shocking admission from Jeff Roe, the campaign manager for Ted Cruz’s bid for the GOP nomination, has rocked and shocked American politics today. In a press conference on the front steps of Houston Methodist Hospital, a visibly shaken Jeff Roe announced that presidential hopeful, Ted Cruz has been required, on doctors orders, to drop out of the GOP race to the nomination.

“This is a sad day for the Cruz family and for the future of our great country,” Mr. Roe began with tear filled eyes. “Senator Ted Cruz, the clear front-runner and overwhelming choice of the American electorate, has been diagnosed with stage three colo-rectal cancer. It is the consensus of the huge staff of doctors administering to Senator Cruz that he drop out of the political scene, due to the extreme stress and pressure, while he undergoes aggressive treatments for this disease.”

“This is a fairly advanced cancer,” continued Mr. Roe. “After repeated exhaustive examination, the doctors have also located an advanced cancer in Senator Cruz’s lips, probably from dipping smokeless tobacco, a Texan trademark. The doctors are in agreement that this oral cancer appears to have made the short jump from Senator Cruz’s lips directly to his rectum. “We are all hopeful that Senator Cruz will make a full recovery and be back on track to receive the GOP nomination at a brokered convention in July in Cleveland.”

During the following Q&A, Gish Gallop reporter, Chip Day, on assignment in Houston asked Mr. Roe, “Will the people of Texas be needing to replace Senator Cruz as their representative in Washington?”

“Not likely,” Mr. Roe replied. “Does Florida miss Little Marco? Does Ohio miss Governor Kasich? Does Vermont miss Sanders? None of the current candidates, besides Trump, have worked in years. Everything will be fine.”

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