The Hamptons, NY – Friends and relatives have voiced their concerns after celebrity icon Gwyneth Paltrow was rushed to hospital for the third time this week, amid reports of her “cramming anything she can find into her furry purse.”
Since the birth of her second child with carpool karaoke crooner Chris Martin, Paltrow, according to those close to her, developed an addiction to forcing random objects into her lower orifices. “Anything goes; crayons, rocks, vegetables, bits of paper. I once saw her jam a toy moose up there,” said an ex-employee of the former couple.
When pressed about other peculiarities, the former nanny also admitted to witnessing unusual coffee drinking rituals where, instead of “drinking it like an ordinary person,” Ms. Paltrow would pry her buttocks apart and pour it directly into her rectum. “I mean, that’s just a waste of a perfectly good Peruvian roast, if you ask me,” she said.
Recently, during a candid and heartfelt interview, Paltrow’s ex-husband Mr. Martin opened up about how her bizarre behaviour had impacted their relationship. “I knew she’d been experimenting with eggs, kale, and the occasional avocado, and I was fine with that. I just assumed she’d been attending one of those weird, new-age cookery classes, and was practicing alternative cake making,” he stated.
“When her acting career hit the skids, she just started shoving any old cr*p up there, you know. Initially, I saw it as a cry for help, so wanted to stand by her. I even chose not to interfere when she started telling our friends and random people on the internet to chuck odd bits of rock into their own banana baskets.”
So, what was the straw that broke the camel’s back?
“I’d noticed that my collection of Star Wars memorabilia was missing,” said the tearful singer. “We’re talking the entire hoard, all in pristine condition, all in their original packaging. Watching her give birth to a genuine, mint condition, 1982 Admiral Ackbar was enough to push me over the edge, man. I mean, cram whatever you like up there, but never mess with a bloke’s collectibles.”
Following what was deemed to be necessary medical intervention, Dr. Pfeffer, consultant gynaecologist at the Stony Brook Southampton Hospital, NY, assured us that Ms. Paltrow’s vagina was in a stable condition. “Although it does currently resemble something akin to a wizard’s sleeve, we’re confident of a full recovery now that we’ve removed what can only be described as Boba Fett’s left leg from her cervix,” he stated, before adding, “I strongly advise against anyone putting objects into their orifices that were never intended for that purpose. Please, stop shoving sh*t into your vaginas, ladies, just because some weirdo on the internet told you it was a good idea.