Washington D.C. — In an almost uncontested vote, the United States Congress has passed a bill that makes Ranch Salad Dressing the official condiment of the Country. The House of Representatives voted with 434 yes votes with Keith Ellison, D-Minn voting no. The Senate voted 100-0 with no argument. The Bill is expected to be assigned by President Trump sometime this week. The official condiment will be called “American Dressing.”
“I am honored to be recognized for my work throughout the Congress to defend religious freedom, family values, human life, and individual liberty,” said 24th District Representative Kenny Marchant in a press release. “We need real legislation that preserves the American way of life, yet preserves our liberty to choose the salad dressing with desire outside of foreign, and sometimes terrorist influence.”
The bill, which would require all companies producing the popular salad dressing to rename their products to American Dressing, would take effect in January of 2018. The bill only prescribes the re-branding of Ranch Salad Dressing and not ranch-flavored snacks and treats. Companies that fail to do so by 2019 could face steep government fines and even jail time.
“Since corporations are now people,” said Illinois Democrat Jan Schakowsky who co-sponsored the Bill, “this is our first chance to throw them in jail for violating the law. I’m not going to say this was the impetus behind its authoring, but it sure was a motivating factor.”
Gish Gallop reached out to Democrat Keith Ellison of Minnesota, one of two Muslims in Congress who voted against the bill. Representative Ellison’s office released a brief statement.
“This is a complete waste of the Republic’s time. Ever since my interview with Glenn Beck when he accused me of working with America’s enemies, I’ve been suspicious of his supporters in Legislative branch. This has been especially true since the Republicans took over. We have much more to worry about than terrorists consuming salad dressing.”
As for the companies that produce Ranch Dressing, none returned Gish Gallop’s phone calls. One industry insider did say that the industry is keen to avoid jail time and will likely to comply.