San Francisco, CA — As old man Matthais made his way to answer the door, he had no idea what was in store for him on the other side. He also didn’t care.

“My eyes are dim. I cannot see.  I’m just a poor old man. My nose is knackered,” said the 82-year-old as he made his way to his door to answer the pounding. “What is it now?”

And just as old man Matthais turned the knob, the police kicked in the door and entered.

“We have reason to believe you may be hiding one Brian Williamson of Stockton, who is a member of the terrorist organization ‘ANTIFA,'” yelled Sergeant Eugene Moretti. “We must search your residence at once to find this fugitive and enemy of the State.”

Looking somewhat bewildered, the elder Matthais looked at his feet and then spoke to officer Moretti in a rambling fashion.

“Me? No. I’m just a poor old man. I have no time for law-breakers. My legs are grey. My ears are gnarled. My eyes are old and bent…”

At this point, Officer Moretti cut him off.

“Quiet! Silly person. Officers! Search the house.” As the police clumsily ransacked Matthais’s home, Moretti turned to him and started taunting him.

“You do know the penalty laid down by Federal law for harboring a known criminal,” questioned Officer Matthais.

“No, I don’t.”


“Well, it’s crucifixion, nasty, eh?” Continued Moretti.

Old man Matthais seemed non-plussed and let out a brief sigh.

“Oh, it could be worse,” Matthias replied.

“What do you mean, ‘it could be worse?'” Officer Moretti replied, seeming astonished by the old man’s lack of concern.

“As I said, it could be worse,” Matthais repeated. “I could be stabbed.”

“Stabbed? Takes a second,” said a flabbergasted Moretti, who was beginning to lose his patience. “Crucifixion lasts hours! It’s a slow, horrible death!”

“Well, at least it gets you out in the fresh air,” replied Matthias.

Officer Moretti was growing increasingly disturbed by the old man’s lack of concern for capital punishment.

“Have you ever seen anyone getting crucified?”

“Crucifixion’s a doddle,” quipped Matthias.

“Stop saying that, you weirdo,” Morretti said, shaking his head in disbelief as he left the scene.