Cruz Dominates GOP Debate With Nuanced Reading of One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish

The largely conservative audience enjoyed Senator Cruz's reading of the popular Dr. Seuss book.
The largely conservative audience enjoyed Senator Cruz’s reading of the popular Dr. Seuss book.

Cleveland, OH — With all the fretting by the GOP about how to handle Donald Trump during a debate, one man strode confidently to the podium. He then had to move over because it wasn’t his podium, but Jeb Bush’s.

Cool Ted Cruz sidled over to his assigned podium with his head held high. He had what he called “an Ace in the hole.” The entire GOP field, all the candidates on the dais, and all of America wondered what made him so confident. Because, let’s face it, sparring with Donald Trump seems to prove the adage about when a wise man fights a fool, people only see two fools fighting.

After Trump unleashed a barrage of emptiness that made eight other contenders for the title of President of the United States squirm, Cruz just smiled his trademark arrogant smirk, or whatever it is. He then opened his notes and read the following: “From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere,” looking directly at Trump during a pregnant pause before continuing to read his notes. Trump countered by pointing at his own head finger-gun style and yelling, “…we need brain!”

Ted Cruz appeared to be reading directly from the popular Dr. Seuss novel, One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish. Donald Trump is just crazy as fuck. Two facts that did not occur to moderators throughout the entire evening.

“If we had known that was what they were doing, being crazy as fuck, we probably would have steered the conversation back on track,” explains Megyn Kelly, Fox News moderator of the first GOP debate for the 2016 nomination. “We really had no idea. Everybody was floored at how dominant Cruz was…and substantive, compared to Trump’s blatherings. Cruz completely dominated the debate. I didn’t realize they were both just bat-shit crazy.”

A frustrated Senator Ted Cruz takes a moment to gather himself before continuing.
A frustrated Senator Ted Cruz takes a moment to gather himself before continuing.

Every answer, snide remark, and arrogant retort made by Cruz throughout the evening turned out to be him picking up where he left off reading One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish from his previous chance to speak. He read aloud the entire book two and a half times through during the course of the debate.

“I thought the repetition (by Ted Cruz) was just him hammering home the logic,” praises Bret Baier, Fox moderator, “the way the other candidates toppled before his reason, and especially his subduing of Trump, was impressive. How could I have known that he was reading right out of a highbrow book like that?”

“I think it was an unfair attack on my person and Cruz is wrong about the facts,” Donald Trump told Gish Gallop by phone. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he got his information from a children’s book. I will look into it, and the lawsuit is going to be HUGE. I’m very rich.”

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