Washington D.C. — In a hasty impromptu press conference on the heels of damning impeachment inquiry testimony, President Donald Trump distanced himself from himself by claiming He “didn’t know this Donald Trump person, but he seems like a nice guy.”

Trump’s comments came after repeated comments made by government officials, many of them appointed by the president, that directly linked him to the current Ukrainian scandal.

“I’ve never met this Donald Trump person, but he seems like a nice guy,” said President Trump shouting over the Marine One helicopter outside the White House. “All I know is the fake news media only knows how to report negative things about this president. There was no quid pro quo. It’s a disgrace what they’re saying about Donald Trump.”

And it’s not only President Trump who’s claiming not to know Donald Trump. Given the GOP’s changing defense arguments, which have ranged from various bizarre theories that “nothing happened,” to a baffling “the president isn’t smart enough to lead a conspiracy against a political foe,” several members of Congress are also now claiming they don’t know this “Donald Trump character.”


“I’ve never met him. I’m with President Trump when he says he’s never met him and that he’s probably a nice guy,” said Texas Republican and staunch Trump supporter Rep. John Radcliffe. “It’s important to understand how the Democrats are trying to pin this ‘nothing burger’ on someone no one has ever met. Oh sure, maybe a phone call here and there, but that’s it.”

After arriving in Austin, TX later in the day to tour a new Apple computer assembly plant, the president claimed not to know “Mr. Apple,” referring to CEO Tim Cook who was accompanying President Trump.

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The truest statement ever made.