London, U.K. — President Donald Trump announced via Twitter this afternoon that he had managed to “completely fix England’s problem” in a matter of seconds. Without any executive action, nor input from his cabinet, and frankly without the authority to do so, Mr. Trump used a black Sharpie to separate the United Kingdom from the European Union.
After only six weeks in office, Boris Johnson’s plans to lead the U.K. out of the EU are in crisis. He is caught between the EU, which refuses to renegotiate the deal it struck with former Prime Minister Theresa May, and a majority of British lawmakers opposed to leaving without an agreement. Most economists say a no-deal Brexit would cause severe economic disruption and plunge the U.K. into recession.
However, Trump prefers a more direct and authoritarian approach.
“It was simple, and I can’t believe Boris didn’t think of it,” said President Trump speaking of Boris Johnson, the embattled Prime Minister UK Prime Minister during an impromptu Oval Office press conference. “I’m sending Mike Pence over to help. He has some Bible ideas that should help them Brits. Anyhow, if you want something done, you gotta do it yourself, let me tell you.”
It’s unclear how President Trump came to the conclusion that he can solve the United Kingdom’s Brexit crisis, or how he thought this “Sharpie diplomacy” could somehow solve a complex socio-political problem plaguing the U.K. According to White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham, the idea was all Trump’s.
“He came up with the idea by himself after speaking with Stephen Miller,” said Ms. Grisham speaking outside of the White House. “Stephen told him, ‘Mr. President, look how effective your weather forecasting was for your poll numbers. Why not try the same thing for the U.K.? They will love you for it.”
After taking Mr. Miller’s advice, President Trump yelled at an aide to bring him a map of Europe. He then proceeded, with Miller guiding his hand, to draw a black line around the United Kingdom, erroneously including the Republic of Ireland. When Mr. Miller pointed out that the Republic of Ireland wasn’t a part of the United Kingdom, Trump bristled.
“Oh, they want to be in England anyway. Just leave it. Maybe I can put another golf course there.”
A spokesperson for Prime Minister Boris Johnson both welcome Trump’s attempts at mitigating the Brexit crisis, but also pointed out that he has no say in the affairs of the United Kingdom.