Cincinnati, OH  — Donald Trump announced to a crowd of over 12,000 people at an Ohio rally that as a part of his new infrastructure plan, he will sign an executive action that will include a plan to convert America’s ancient imperial measures and units to the metric system.

The announcement, which was largely ignored by mainstream media in favor of continuing “RussiaGate” coverage, was cheered by thousands of his supporters in attendance.

“There is too little discussion in Washington about how we need to join the rest of the world,” said President Trump raising his hands from the podium. “Almost no discussion about how we’re using an antiquated system of measures and numbers. And I intend to do something about this when I get back to my office.  Believe you me, and that something is the metric system. There was an article, I think they used that exact term. I read other things, about the metric system. I watched our friend Bret Baier the day previous where he was talking about certain very complex sets of things happening and metrics.”

After the announcement, the crowd swelled with cheers, one man was moved to tears after hearing it.

“Oh my god. Finally,” said Scott Newell, a Volkswagen auto mechanic and staunch Trump supporter from Brooklyn who attended the Trump rally. “All day long I have to use millimeters. Then I have to switch my brain to imperial measurements when I make Stove Top Stuffing. This should make things easier for me.”




Although President Trump didn’t outline his plan from the podium, his spokeswoman Sarah Sanders did provide some details after the speech.

“Well, the first thing we’re going to do is take off where President Carter left off in the 1970s,” said a fast-talking Ms. Sanders, who was the President’s former disgraced Trump campaign manager and now his chief sidekick. “There’s a strip of highway in Arizona where Carter switched out miles per hour to kilometers. Unfortunately, that only lasted about 2 weeks when Carter’s because he was a pussy.  I believe Representative Stevens [Minority Whip Ted Stevens(AK)] at the time said something like ‘this is what would have happened if Hitler won.’ Anyhow, times have changed. And with the help of Canada’s Justin Trudeau, we hope to expedite this fundamental transformation of America.”

According to Sanders, President Trump plans on having all of America migrated to the metric system by 2018, “whether they like it or no, OK?”

“We’re calling it ‘#MAMA,'” said KellyAnne Conway, the president’s personal advisor. “We have several other such plans, some varying from three to eight years. But we think this one’s a winner. And no one does winning better than President Trump.”

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“Oh my god. Finally,” said Scott Newell, a Volkswagen auto mechanic and staunch Trump supporter from Brooklyn who attended the Trump rally. Even in satire, there is that belief that only foreign products are metric. What message would be sent if Scott’s employer was stated to have been GM or Ford? How many Americans actually know that the entire American auto industry not only is fully metric but has been so for decades? Also, imperial is illegal in the US. Imperial was a reform the English carried out in 1834 that the US refused to adopt. Instead, the US uses… Read more »