New York, NY — In May 2016, Donald Trump, despite his vocal contempt for Mexicans and his proposal to build a wall along the southern border of the United States to block immigrants from Mexico and other Latin American countries, tweeted a picture of himself at the Trump Grill posing with a taco bowl to commemorate Cinco de Mayo, a celebration of the Mexican Army’s 1862 victory against the French at the Battle of Puebla. Many people reacted with scorn, noting the Donald’s disparaging remarks about Mexicans, particularly his generalization that they are drug dealers and rapists, and his desire to build a wall along the U.S.-Mexico border. Others accused him of cultural appropriation.
However, the story apparently did not end there. According to documents sent to Gish Gallop from an unnamed source, in late September, management at the Trump Grill filed a lawsuit against Trump for vandalism, interference with economic relations and endangering the health and safety of its employees.
Though Trump Grill management declined to comment on the matter, Julio Hernandez, a cashier who was on duty while Trump dined at the restaurant gave an account of the incident.
“After Trump finished eating, he gets up, goes to the bathroom and leaves,” said Hernandez. “Right after that, this dude goes to the bathroom and tells me that when he flushed the toilet, a bunch of poop shot into the toilet bowl. I went into the men’s room to check it out, and sure enough, I saw that there was a big, wet, sloppy upper-decker in the tank.”
UrbanDictionary.com defines an upper-decker as:
“The act of defecating in the upper tank of the toilet. When the next poor unsuspecting person flushes the toilet they get a bowl of beef stew. the upper decker is a weapon of terror and should only be used on people who deserve it.”
“It was the nastiest, most foul thing I ever saw,” said Hernandez. “And I’ve seen used tampons on the floor when I clean the ladies’ room at closing time. That fool really blew up the bathroom, for sure. It smelled like somebody slaughtered a cow and forgot about it. It’s a wonder my face didn’t melt when I took the lid off the toilet tank. I was dry-heaving. My eyes were burning. I couldn’t breathe. It’s a wonder the smoke alarm didn’t go off. Had to use about 15 bottles of bleach to make sure the smell was gone.”
“I had no idea that a human being could produce something so nasty,” added Hernandez, shaking his head. “It was… epic. As grossed out as I was, I’ll admit I took a picture.”
“I knew that phony pic of him with the taco bowl was a PR stunt, but what he did afterward just proves it,” said Raoul Ferrer, Hernandez’s co-worker. “He probably did it because he knows Mexican people are working here. Trump’s a puto. I’m voting for Hillary. Fuck that.”
Though Donald Trump himself could not be reached for comment, Boris Epshteyn, the senior adviser for Trump’s campaign, gave a reply.
“I do not know for sure that Donald Trump upper-decked the toilet at the Trump Grill,” said Epshteyn. “I was not there, but I seriously doubt that he shot a big brown fudge monkey into the toilet tank in the men’s room. I mean, why would a guy make that kind of mess at his own restaurant? Donald Trump shitting in the tank? It doesn’t make sense! He was brought up better than that. And even if he did, it wouldn’t have been serious. Just a harmless prank. I mean, hey, nobody died. Also, just because you vote for Hillary, that means your shit doesn’t stink? I don’t think so. But personally, I think one of the Mexicans did it so they could blame it on Trump and undermine his campaign. I mean, Cinco de Mayo was over five months ago. And the suit was filed at the end of September? It seems suspicious that they would file this suit so close to the Election. It can’t be a coincidence.”
When asked to comment on Epshteyn’s remarks, Julio Hernandez made an obscene gesture and said, “Beso mi culo, pinche pito de Pitufo.”
“Of course that asshole would say that,” said Raoul Ferrer. “What a punk.”