Downtown Safeway Considers the Final Solution

Downtown Safeway, Grass Valley, CA
Downtown Safeway, Grass Valley, CA

Grass Valley, CA —  An exasperated Safeway management team has exercised a little known tool in the Safeway corporate rule book. Known by company insiders as the “final solution,” a not-so-subtle reference to the Jewish Holocaust in World War II that murdered over 8 million Jews, this process can be used in the event that any Safeway grocery store is “existentially threatened” by “outside force or forces.”

In an exclusive story, Gish Gallop has obtained a copy of  Safeway’s Internal Emergency Directive 15 A-12 procedure which instructs General Managers to “take whatever measures necessary to preserve the integrity and permanence” of the Supermarket.

At issue is the sizable number of loiterers milling about in front of the chain store, as well as the number or cars illegally parked in the lot.  The manual is not clear on what specific action might be taken, however it is explicit in that no option should be discarded.

Gish Gallop interviewed Seth [last name withheld] who was waiting for a friend in the parking lot late Tuesday afternoon. “Man, like..I don’t know what you’re talking about. Do you have a light? Brig was supposed to be here 2 hours ago,” said a struggling Seth. “I’m just standing here minding my business.”

Gish Gallop also attempted to ask several people who appeared to be using the parking lot to shop at other businesses on Mill Street, but all declined requests for interviews and rushed away.

Notify of