Early Voting Exit Polls Show America Is Fucked

The latest polls show that America might be indeed fucked.
The latest polls show that America might be indeed fucked.

Cleveland, OH — This year’s Presidential election may be the most important election in decades. The front-runners Republican Donald Trump and Democrat Hillary Clinton are making their last-minute push to gain votes, each vying to gain the edge to the win. Early voting exit polls are showing that the country is fucked.

Democrats are citing Hillary’s accomplishments as their reason for voting for her. Donald Trump voters cite Trump’s ability to bring the country together as their reason for voting for him. This most recent poll shows the state of mind of the average voter.

Democrat voter Renee Mendoza spoke to Gish Gallop after exiting the poll in Cleveland.

“I don’t worry about issues, I just want the world to see we have come far enough to elect a woman President,” said Ms. Mendoza. “I don’t care if she is corrupt, I mean the rest of them are too.”

Republican voter Tom Johnson also spoke to Gish Gallop after voting for Trump.

“He is the only one that can fix this, he is an outsider, a business man. He tells it like it is,” said Mr. Johnson. “We can get all these damn illegals out of here and that will put our economy on track.”

We did manage to track down a third-party Libertarian voter, but he thought the poll was a Chipotle restaurant.

This election has brought out the worst in many, ended friendships and even separated families. Still many others have resorted to standing in empty corners, rocking back and forth. It has further separated the political parties from common ground, leaving the future of our country bleak and stereotypically American.

Experts are advising to pour a cold one, sit back and enjoy the fireworks. Or huddle in a corner.

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Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.