Elks Lodge to Host Roundabout Support Group

The Grass Valley Elk's Lodge held a contentious "support group" to discuss the menacing East Main Street Roundabout.
The Grass Valley Elk’s Lodge held a contentious “support group” to discuss the menacing East Main Street Roundabout.

Grass Valley, CA — The Grass Valley Elks Lodge has generously offered to host a support group for those adversely affected by the two roundabouts in our community. We met with the co-founders of the group who would like to be known as Todd and Pam to protect their identity.

We spoke with Pam first.

“Those Millennials up there by Sierra College feel so entitled that they can go through the roundabout whenever they feel like it,” said an irritated Pam shaking her fists in the air. “I try to get in but just zoom, zoom, zoom they go with cars honking at me from behind. I need a Xanax by the time I get home. ”

After Pam finished and struggled to find her seat, “Todd” jumped up and began lecturing the crowd.

“I did two tours in Iraq and then I get home and have to see that mess of rusty iron in the middle of the roundabout looking like blown up tank wreckage,” said Todd and anger-spittle formed at the edges of his mouth. “Before I know it I have cars coming at me from all directions, it’s a damn battlefield out there. When I do finally make it on the freeway I somehow end up at the bus stop by the Holiday Inn instead of Kmart where I was trying to go.”

The co-founders both agreed that there is a real need in our community for this type of group. Some areas are only asked to cope with one roundabout but with two in our town that can present a significant strain on mental health and well-being. They are contemplating making it a twelve step program but the final format of the group is yet to be determined.

“We just want a safe space where this trauma can be discussed out in the open so we can move on with our lives.” said Pam.

The Elks Lodge will also be providing security checkpoints to prevent Board Of Supervisor members or other local government officials from infiltrating the group. Gish Gallop has learned of several individuals who publicly criticized a roundabout coming home to find a housing code violation notice attached to the front door.

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Larry Ryder grew up in the upstate town of Saratoga Springs, New York. As a young boy he enjoyed licking the cream cheese off of bagels and throwing the remains at tourists. His father worked at the Naval Nuclear Base close by in Balston Spa. He snuck young Larry onto the base one day so Larry could press his face up to the viewing window for the reactor. This ignited Larry's interest in Nuclear Physics and after taking apart old smoke detectors to build a decay reactor he received a full scholarship to MIT where he received his Masters Degree in Nuclear Physics. Devoted to his job and wife Darleen, his world was shattered when she died after being folded up in a IKEA futon while taking a short nap induced by a large dose of mashed potatoes and meatballs. Completely devasted he quit his high paying job at 3 Mile Island shortly before the meltdown. All of his savings went into the purchase of an ice cream truck and customizations by a Los Angeles low rider shop. He can be now seen cruising the back streets of North San Juan selling his patented "Hempsicles" and nitrogen cooled "Trippin Dots". His reporting career started one fateful day when he started talking to fish down at the Middle Fork of the Yuba River. The fish promised him riches and maybe some friends if he started reporting the truth as he saw it. Larry and the fish ended up taking a trip upstream where they took turns riding down the Falls. Larry was most amused with the fish and decided to start his career as a freestyle reporter. Larry enjoys long walks in the Diggins and walking his imaginary dog, Freedo. He is currently single but still emotionally tender from his wife's death.
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