Nevada City, CA — With drought woes on everyone’s mind in Nevada County, local environmental activists are taking the proposed metering of ground water to the next logical level: metering bodily fluids.
“It is not enough,” announced local activist and Anonymous protester Jem Seminary, “to simply take control of our ground water here in Nevada County. Certainly the metering of our wells is an important step in controlling our water resources. But it does not go far enough. We must govern the quantity of bodily fluids each citizens consume and excrete.”
California lawmakers have passed some of the most sweeping water law in the past 50 years. A key part of this new landmark law is how the State will regulate groundwater. Although landowners who want to divert water from reservoirs and rivers must have permits, there are no such regulations for groundwater. Groundwater, is a veritable all-you-can-eat buffet for free with almost no oversight. Local conservatives are concerned that this might mean wells might be metered and regulated.
“This is exactly what we feared would happen,” said a concerned Brock Whalen from his Penn Valley home. “First they took the dams down. Then they capped our wells. Then, as I predicted, they’re coming after our precious bodily fluids.”
At the time of this writing, it is unclear how the State would regulate human bodily fluids without violating prescribed and inferred parts of both the California and United States Constitution.
Local retired engineer and former Army Colonel J.D. Ripper was clearly annoyed by Mr. Seminary’s call to regulate bodily fluids.
“Do you recall what Clemenceau once said about war?” Colonel Ripper commented. “Today, government is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow government infiltration, government indoctrination, government subversion and the international conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.”
Given how important groundwater wells are to the Nevada County region, Gish Gallop will keep on top of this story.