Facebook Is Actually Purgatory

Are we damning the dead to an eternity in Facebook Purgatory?
Are we damning the dead to an eternity in Facebook Purgatory?

Menlo Park, CA — Social media has taken over the world in grand fashion. Every celebrity, country and computer/smart phone owner uses social media. Facebook has risen to lead the social media pack, they put My Space in its place and the popular social medium edges out Twitter to remain King. But what is Facebook?

Facebook has become the medium in which all of our lives meet. It is an ethereal place where our feelings exist in 63,206 characters or less. Need more, you may need help.

Often times Facebook becomes the place to say goodbye to the dead. Everyday you see people paying respects online. But in doing so, are we damning the dead to an eternity in Facebook Purgatory?

Gish Gallop reached out to the dead using an online Facebook Ouija board application. We contacted Dave Sams, who died of natural causes in his sleep late last year. Mr. Sams’ family and friends constantly remember him in posts on Facebook.

“I get that they are sad, but I cannot take being here anymore!” Mr Sams said using the Facebook Messenger chat application. I’m tired of seeing all the inappropriate pictures, the sad pleas for attention and those dumbasses that need you to type Amen.” Mr. Sams was very agitated, “All I need is for someone to say I’m in heaven, poof, I’m out of here, but no.”

We went to Facebook with our findings, however Mark Zuckerberg refused meet with us. Security escorted this Gish Gallop reporter out of the building. It is obvious that they are in on it and Mr. Zuckerberg has something to hide.

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Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.