Famous Satirist and Fake News Provocateur Paul Horner dead at 37

Famous Fake News Provocateur and satirist Paul Horner Dead at 37. Seen here with Anderson Cooper following the 2016 election.
Famous Fake News Provocateur and satirist Paul Horner Dead at 37. Seen here with Anderson Cooper following the 2016 election.

Phoenix, AZ — According to relatives close to Paul Horner, the famous satirist, fake news provocateur, and anti-masturbation champion has died at the age of 37.  Mr. Horner has been referred to as a “hoax artist” by outlets such as the Associated Press and the Chicago Tribune. PolitiFact and the Washington Post have both called him the Internet’s most prolific hoax artist. He was accused of being street artist Banksy twice and was known for his Search Engine Optimization (SEO) wizardry, which allowed him to single-handedly out-game the Internet’s biggest search providers like Google, Yahoo, and Bing.

Details are slim regarding the demise of the huckster, but according to people close to Mr. Horner, tensions began to arise between him and his long-time partner Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin after a series of “fake news” talks the comedian had with the European Parliament and various news outlets over the past few months. Conflict arose between his share and Fappy’s share in the enterprise. Each planned to poison the other’s water, but dolphins are smarter and quicker, experts tell Gish Gallop.

Mr. Horner was also responsible for the massively successful Sockitforward.com initiative, which has provided over 1 million socks to the nation’s homeless. However, police are currently questioning Fappy after many of the “new” socks the homeless received appeared to be sticky. Apparently, Mr. Horner was in the middle of a lengthy investigation into the controversy and was close to getting the answer. That is, apparently,  when things turned ugly.

The news satire community was shocked by his sudden passing.

“I’ve known Paul for years. He’s a legend in our business,” said Nevada County Gish Gallop Publisher Randall “Fink” Finkelstein. “Horner set the standard. That guy was a workhorse. He knew how the system worked and he played it to great success. It’s safe to say that everyone here at Gish Gallop is both shocked and saddened by his passing.”

Mr. Horner became a household name following the 2016 Presidential election when he declared to the Washington Post that he probably contributed to the election of Donald Trump, which according to many news analysts was probably true marking the first time in his life that the prankster Horner was actually real news. He later regretting to contributing Mr. Trump ascension referring to him as an “asshat and dick.”

“Paul Horner was, to say the least, a living legend of the Internet,” said longtime friend and Facebook trolling buddy Rebecca Alsmith who worked with him on numerous ‘news’ campaigns. “With nothing more than his wits and Internet access, he managed to capture the minds of myriad peoples. On a personal note, Horner found me trolling around the Internet aimlessly and decided that he could provide direction. Things do not always work out the way we think they will, however. His reaching hand pulled me up into the world of satire and though he was trying to invite me into his ever-sarcastic arms, what a hole is left in his place.”

There have been no plans announced for services. Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin is being held by the Phoenix Police Department for questioning.

Additional theories surrounding the cause of death have been postulated.  One rumor is that he died while being waterboarded by the GOP underground crime scene for speaking out against the president.  Another rumor is that Banksy finally caught up to Horner and got his revenge.  One person even declared that Fappy paid off Grumpy Cat to “finish the job” in a conspiracy against the satirist to gain fame back for Grumpy Cat.  No new theories have come forth as of this time.

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just1guywhocares
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just1guywhocares

no one finds this a bit strange that he’s dead?

just1guywhocares
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just1guywhocares

no one finds this a bit strange that he’s dead?

Joshua Schadenfreude
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Joshua Schadenfreude

Some people think Andy Kaufman faked his death 30 odd years ago. Elvis too. I would like to think they are all down at Hitler’s place in South America laughing at and mocking us.

Joshua Schadenfreude
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Joshua Schadenfreude

Some people think Andy Kaufman faked his death 30 odd years ago. Elvis too. I would like to think they are all down at Hitler’s place in South America laughing at and mocking us.