Fearful Nation Braces for 2017

You thought 2016 was bad? Wait until 2017.
You thought 2016 was bad? Wait until 2017.

With the Thanksgiving holiday behind them Americans are beginning to acknowledge that 2017 is a mere month away, leading to heightened anxiety as they wonder how bad of a fisting they’ll receive from 2016’s big brother.

“I don’t know what to expect,” said Stoya Lieu, a frightened Los Angeles resident. “2016 took David Bowie away from us and gave us President Donald Trump,” she continued, pausing to sob. “What’s next? Do we lose Iggy Pop so Jenny McCarthy can be teacher of the year?”

A new Pew poll of Psychiatrists showed a marked increase in anti-anxiety prescriptions leading up to the November election.  But instead of dropping off as anticipated, they’ve continued to climb as the year wraps up.

“My patients are exhibiting symptoms of paranoia and fear,” said Doctor Peter North, a staff Psychiatrist at Cedar Sinai. “Unfortunately with the massive beating we all took in 2016 I can’t even call it paranoia any more. I mean, Lemmy! Fuckin’ Lemmy died! That’s never happened before.”

With the Christmas season approaching, experts and policy makers hope that fears and anxieties will ease, while acknowledging that’s the opposite result they typically see. With 2017 casting its ominous shadow over December, President Obama tried to calm the rattled populace.

“My fellow Americans. I know many of us are feeling a certain trepidation going into the Christmas season. I know many of us wonder what, for example, that racist uncle of ours is going to say this year. I can’t promise you 2017 will be better, I can’t promise you it’ll be fair. But what’s important now is we come together, as a nation, and we protect Betty White.”

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When Jon was a little bitty baby his mama would rock him in the cradle in the old cotton fields where he's from. Growing up in the deep south, he learned to take a punch, a skill he carries with him to this day and looks to pass on to future generations of Reremies. After the tragic monster truck accident that claimed the life of his latest wife, all pending charges were dropped, leaving Jon to pursue his dream of marrying someone younger, hotter, and dirtier. As his hunt continues, Jon lurks around the local junior college, where he hopes to earn his doctorate by attending several classes a month, that he may one day stop lying about having one. When he's not studying or leching, Jon maintains an active television-viewing schedule. On the rare occasion inspiration strikes, he strikes back.