Fiorina: I Will Run America Like I Ran HP

Presidential hopeful Carly Fiorina hopes to run the United States like she did when she ran HP: illegally.
Presidential hopeful Carly Fiorina hopes to run the United States like she did when she ran HP: illegally and with little regard for the people of the United States.

Las Vegas, NV — New Ted Cruz sidekick and Vice-Presidential hopeful Carly Fiorina deviated from her standard stump speech on Monday afternoon when she announced to over 450 Cruz supporters that she plans on running the United States exactly how she ran Hewlett-Packard when she was the CEO. The off-the-cuff comments, made in front of the Wynn Resort in Las Vegas, was a response to an audience member who was challenging her recent erroneous assertions about Planned Parenthood.

“I know how to run large things,” said candidate Fiorina in her unprepared comments. “And I want America to know that on my first day as Vice President, I plan on reducing the size of government by almost 33%, excluding the military and military contractors, of course. We need to get our government as crippled as possible to get it out of our lives, except where absolutely necessary like shutting down Planned Parenthood and bringing more freedom to the Muslim world.”

Carly Fiorina tenure as HP CEO is controversial. Along with large business contracts she negotiated with Iran when trade was forbidden with the blacklisted country, to her axe-murderer management style where she whimsically laid-off tens of thousands of workers, she is seen by many conservatives as “the right person” for the job. Just prior to being at HP, in 1999 she oversaw and promoted one of the largest corrupt lending schemes at Lucent Technologies, which some call the telecommunications version of the 2008 housing bubble. She left the Lucent 3 months before the implosion with a 65 Million “performance” payout which in hindsight seems ridiculous.

Jesse Dawkins, who was the heckler in the audience challenging Fiorina, said that her confrontation with Fiorina obviously caught her off guard as the event was supposed to be closed to only the presidential hopeful’s supporters.

“I work at the Wynn,” said Ms. Dawkins in a Gish Gallop telephone interview. “Steve [Wynn] is suddenly a Carly supporter. So he put her and her entourage up in the hotel last night. I had to serve their banquet so I got to hear all the horrible shit they said about working people like me. There was a lot of talk about that ‘asshole Trump’ too. Anyhow, I used my resort credentials to get into the speech. I hope I don’t get fired.”

Gish Gallop reached out to the Cruz campaign for comment, but our requests were not returned.

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