Greenville, NC — The North Carolina chapter of the Flat Earth Society just released what it believes will be the blockbuster water toy of the summer: The Flat Earth Beach Ball. The toy, which is designed to “battle the prevailing theory that the Earth is a globe,” was designed by Flat Earth “expert” and fundamentalist Christian Joel K. Dyer (38) of Greenville.
“Where to begin,” said Mr. Joel outside his mother’s home where he lives ‘part time’, “this project was about counteracting the mountainous amounts of propaganda that you hear in the fake news each day. There are so many YouTube videos out there that discuss how NASA and other clandestine, and frankly not so secret, forces are brainwashing the populations into thinking the Earth is a globe. Well, it’s not. I mean, not only is there Biblical proof that the world is flat, all you have to do ask anyone these questions: have you ever been to Antarctica? Do you know what an ice wall is?”
For hundreds of years, the idea that the world is flat was relegated to fringe groups. And within the past several hundred years, with the advances in both mathematics and science, only a handful of people believed what many would call a ‘quack’ theory. However in recent years and particularly with the rise of both religious fundamentalism and social media, the so-called flat earth conspiracy has made a remarkable comeback. And for people like Mr. Dyer, even recent achievements like Moon landings are a coordinated hoax.
“Well, come on, you can’t actually prove that we landed on the Moon, can you?” Continued Mr. Dyer. “I mean, all of that stuff could have been done in a movie studio just as easily as it could have really happened. And take gravity. It’s a hoax too. They tell it’s such a weak force but it’s strong enough to hold the water on this fictitious globe yet weak enough to allow seagulls to fly? Come on, how stupid do they think we are?”
Among the other things “Flat Earthers” believe is that global circumnavigation by ships, is really just “circular travel,” and they believe that the key to converting the “sheeple” is producing consumer product such as this flat beach ball. However initial reaction from test groups has not been positive.
“My Mom brought this thing home the other day,” said 11-year-old Jamie Dustin speaking of a free Flat Earth Ball her mother received in a giveaway in front of their local Walmart. ” It just sits there. You can’t really throw it or anything fun. It’s just stupid. My bother jumped on it and it just popped. A ball wouldn’t do that.”
According to the Flat Earth Society, this Flat Earth Ball is the first in a number of “de-programming” water toys for the summer. They’re also planning a “Passion of the Christ” floatie for later this summer, which will allow children of all ages to both experience the horrors of crucifixion, and cruise around their pools in Christian style.