Washington, D.C. — In a shocking turn of events, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer announced that he was abandoning his mainstream life to follow the rock band Phish.
“It’s just there’s only so much a man can take, you know? He hated my suits and wanted me to change my hair, have you seen his hair? He kept accusing me of being on SNL and in collusion with Rosie O’Donnell. I kept making up wilder and wilder claims to try to justify his statements, but no one was buying it, I can only take so much humiliation.”
However, it was what he said next that raised more than one eyebrow on Good Morning America, where he made the announcement. The red-faced and sweaty now former Press Secretary went on.
“So, it came to me all of a sudden in the dead of night, ‘follow your dreams, Sean.’ I’ve been a rabid closet Phish fan since my college days, I’ve never been as happy in my life as I was that Summer I followed Phish across the country. I’m throwing caution to the wind, and I’m going to recreate that happiness and follow my bliss. I mean the way things are going he’s going to get us all blown up anyway, so I might as well go out high on mushrooms listening to Manteca on the Page side Rage side, with a pretty hippie chick twirling next to me and a balloon of nitrous in my hand.”
The band Phish is a known for musical improvisation, extended jams, blending of genres, and a dedicated fan base. Its music blends elements of a variety of genres, including funk, progressive rock, psychedelic rock, folk, country, jazz, blues, bluegrass, and pop. Although the band has received little radio play or mainstream exposure, Phish has developed a large and dedicated following by word of mouth, the exchange of live recordings, and selling over 8 million albums and DVDs in the United States.
According to sources close to the former Press Secretary, Mr. Spicer owns every record and bootleg recording as well as a large video collection of their live performances.
The White House refused to comment. However, one anonymous insider offered a possible motive behind Mr. Spicer’s strange announcement today.
“He’s been under a tremendous amount of pressure,” said current Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham. “And I guess he just kind of collapsed into a mid-life crisis. President Trump is not happy about it. But I hope Sean finds what he’s looking for out there.”