Phoenix, AZ — A favorite mascot for childhood morality was gang-raped by a team of Fox News lawyers on Thursday, setting off what insiders are calling “a wave of sadness.” The assault, in a Phoenix, AZ courtroom was called by one bailiff present “the biggest public beat down of the little guy since Rodney King.”
“Look, Fox News Corp has retained our services to do this kind of work,” explains Fox News attorney Jordan Klein. “They told us they didn’t like this Fappy Dolphin thing parodying them, so we went to court and raped the dolphin. We got back for Fox what was rightfully theirs.”
The dolphin–let’s call him ‘Paul Horner’–has been an outspoken advocate for childhood morality, and he started and runs sockitforward.com, a philanthropic organization which provides homeless people with socks, something so many desperately need. But, Fox News wanted to “tear him a new one” for, as ‘Paul’ calls it, “having a bit of fun.” The conflict arose after Fappy the Dolphin legally registered the domain name FoxNews.com.co. Fox News executives did not take kindly to this, and proceeded to have their lawyers rape Fappy in an Arizona District Court this past week.
It is not clear at the time of this writing whether Fappy plans on filing an appeal after the systematic raping in the Arizona court, but Mr. Horner did offer the conservative news giant an olive branch if they agree to donate to his charity in lieu of future litigation.
“I want a donation of $1500, to a cause I started called sockitforward.com. We give out new socks to homeless people and those who are less fortunate. Socks are the most desired items at homeless shelters, and [the] least donated,” said Mr. Horner in a open letter to Fox News. “If you don’t agree to this, that’s fine. We can do this all over again, [and] you can spend thousands of dollars raping dolphins in the Arizona court system.”
There is no word if Fox News and its team of lawyers wish to help the homeless and underprivileged, or whether they plan further rapings in the Arizona court system.