North San Juan, CA — North San Juan resident, part-time chemtrail researcher and amateur ionizing radiation hobbyist Skyy Wolford announced to a somewhat disinterested crowd out in front of the Sierra Super Stop that two of his three Geiger counters were registering abnormally high levels of radiation. According to Mr. Wolford, his equipment read 7.2 becquerels per cubic meter of Cesium-134 and Cesium-137 as measured in his sample taken in this past week.
“I was out taking my daily chemtrail photographs for the Sierra Nevada Geoengineering Awareness Facebook group,” said an out-of-breath Mr. Wolford, “when my PRM-8000 started going crazy. Then the Gamma Scout started beeping. It was the first time I’ve heard them go off.”
According to witnesses in front of the Super Stop, Mr. Wolford started frantically pacing back and forth and grabbing his hair. He started a pressed conversation with a couple from Del Mar, CA who were towing their boat.
“It was really weird,” said boating enthusiast Linda Anderson of Del Mar, CA who was traveling with her husband and their boat to Bullards Bar Reservoir. “We had just pulled in to get gas, and this hippie guy starts running up to us telling us we’re going to die. It was quite the welcoming committee. He kept pointing at our boat. Fred [Ms. Anderson’s husband] got out of the car and told him to go away.”
Ever since the Fukushima nuclear power plant disaster on March 11th 2011 when a 9.0-magnitude earthquake stuck off the coast of Japan, some believe that radiation from damaged reactor is already wreaking havoc on the west coast of the United States.
“I carry my [Geiger] counters everywhere I go,” continued Mr. Wolford. “It’s clear Fukushima is linked to starfish in California disintegrating into goo, polar bears in Alaska losing their fur, seals and walruses with oozing sores, and Pacific herring bleeding from their eyeballs. It was just a matter of time before the radiation reached us up here in the foothills.”
According to the US Geological Survey, there have been no measurements other than normal background radiation in Nevada County.
“This is just the fallout of the accident in Japan,” said Chief Geologist Damien Mephistopheles in a Gish Gallop telephone interview. “Paranoia about the effects of nuclear radiation is as old as nuclear power itself. Add in the digital age with the mouthpiece of social media, and you have a perfect paranoid storm of uninformed and scared people. This always tells me that our government is not doing a good job explaining the science behind all of this.”
Despite the lack of corroboration from government officials, Mr. Wolford is not giving up.
“Look,” continued Mr. Wolford. “Don’t trust them government shills. They’re paid to keep the real information from us. They have no interest in the truth. I’ll keep checking both our skies and now our environment for Fukushima radiation. Trust no one.”