Lumberton, NC — Area residents awakened to a horrifying trail of destruction leading through all the forests and backyards of the usually quiet Lumberton, North Carolina. According to police reports, whatever caused this havoc left a wake of smashed things, like turtles and mushrooms.
“We wasn’t sure what we was looking at once we showed up,” explains Sheriff Burlon Hixter, “the lady who called sounded hysterical, and now I can see why.”
Up to 300 indigenous turtles were found pulverized as well as untold amounts of beautiful, edible and perhaps helpful mushrooms, a local icon.
“Well, we had no choice but to launch an investigation,” continued Sheriff Hixter. “I mean, this was a heinous crime and an assault on our community.”
After 40 minutes attempting to understand Hixter’s boring drawl, Lumberton police chief Lyle Powell stepped in to fill in the gaps
“Hixter’s a great spokesman, but he’s not the best Sheriff, if you catch my drift,” explained Chief Powell, “we caught the culprit, and he’s a 12-year old kid. He was up all night playing his parents’ old Nintendo. Super Mario Brothers it was. And he just went and did what seemed natural at the time.”
As of this writing, a judge ordered his parents to take away the video game. The City of Lumberton has started a fund to get “turtle porno” in hopes of boosting the much-needed, and mourning, turtle population.