General Mills Debuts New Cereal for Truthers

Consumer goods giant General Mills debuted a new breakfast cereal at area Sierra Super Stop locations this week
Consumer goods giant General Mills debuted a new breakfast cereal at area Sierra Super Stop locations this week

North San Juan, CA — Consumer goods giant General Mills debuted a new breakfast cereal at area Sierra Super Stop locations this week. The new brand, called Truthi-O’s, is the first General Mill’s product marketed specifically to awakened patriot consumers sometimes referred to as “truthers.”

Truthi-O’s contain organic corn cereal bits shaped into letters of the alphabet mixed with mysterious brightly colored symbols made of marshmallow, offering the chance to find many hidden messages in the bowl. The cereal is fortified with the immune system boosting vitamins and minerals the body needs to battle the chemtrails and vaccinations poisoning humanity. Instead of a toy at the bottom, customers will find a pocket version of the Constitution.

General Mills does plan to take the cereal nationwide, but for now Truthi-O’s are available only at stores within the proposed State of Jefferson. The limited release is part of a unique marketing strategy intending to win over consumers that are highly suspicious of traditional advertising.

“We focus group tested TV and web commercials for Truthi-O’s,” recalls Hal Buxley, General Mill’s Vice President of Paranoid Marketing, “seven out of ten potential customers accused our research team of belonging to a secret race of reptoid aliens conspiring to control human thought.”

“And ten out of ten claimed our ads contained secret messages which proved 9/11 was an inside job,” Buxley added.

Although the customers are difficult to reach, General Mills is betting that being the first corporation to find success with truthers will come with a huge payoff.

“Our research indicates a growing segment of the population is basing their values around fear, ignorance, and misdirected anger,” Buxley said, “and they eat breakfast too.”

General Mills believes the proposed State of Jefferson holds the key for turning their research into profit.

“The proposed state of Jefferson is a hotbed of trusted influencers in the truther demographic,” Buxley explained, “we hope they spread the word through their online communities and create buzz for Truthi-O’s.”

General Mills is not leaving the success of Truthi-O’s entirely up to word of mouth, however. Some locals claim the Fortune 500 company has contacted them seeking endorsement.

“They asked me to begin all my YouTube videos with the phrase ‘I’m fully awake now that I’ve had my Truthi-O’s’,” said local militant Jason Dant, who publishes weekly videos claiming that Obama will soon declare nationwide Martial law.

Dant was suspicious of the offer but ultimately agreed when Buxley offered him a one time payment of gold currently valued at one hundred US dollars. “I’m fully awake now that I’ve had my Truthi-O’s,” Dant added.

“Dant got paid?” Said local part-time chemtrail researcher Skyy Wolford when contacted by Gish Gallop. “I’ve been promoting Truthi-O’s on some of my favorite geoengineering message boards in exchange for mechanical pencils.”

“I’m fully awake now that I’ve had my Truthi-O’s,” Wolford added.

Even though it is too early to tell whether Truthi-O’s are a success, other companies are taking notice. Multinational toy maker Mattel recently announced plans to debut a line of action figures called “Them” later in the year, which will include collectible figurines such as False Flag Attack Obama, Reptoid Morphing Hillary Clinton, and Freemason Shaquille O’Neal.

avatar
  Subscribe  
Notify of