Giant Lump of Water Attacks Terrified Californians

Californians everywhere are terrified by this thing called "rain."
Californians everywhere are terrified by this thing called “rain.”

Sacramento, CA — An unwieldy and awkward giant lump of water has pummeled most of California over the weekend, the National Weather Service is reporting. The lump, which has been named storm Andre, lumbered up from the tropics and squatted over the state, dumping torrents of water onto terrified citizens.

“We called it Andre. You know, like Andre the giant,” said National Weather Service spokesman and former hand model Jason “Skip” Lillyputt speaking from NWS headquarters in Sacramento. “Anyhow, saturation levels are expected to reach 7, which is enough to drown a medium-sized dolphin and the winds are shit on your umbrellas, too. The recent onslaught has left most of the state remarkably moist. Think about it. Think. Umbrella technology has not improved over 200 years, yet we have iPhones. There’s plenty of reasons to panic.”

Around Nevada County, just about every social media-connected citizen put his and her lives on hold, as most braced themselves for a forecasted 42 inches of rain over a 24 hour period.

“I’ve checked my Facebook every five minutes to see if anyone has drowned or their homes were washed away,” said a panicked and anxious Nevada City resident Stacy Grant speaking to Gish Gallop via telephone. “I mean, the water is just flowing down Broad Street and into Deer Creek where there is even more water. Water everywhere. I have to be honest, I’m really scared now.”

It’s hard to understand why this rainfall has paralyzed so many Californians, but experts seem to suggest that the rise of Social Media might have something to do with it.

“It’s all this instant and unfiltered information on Social Media,” said University of Chicago’s Professor James Badwater speaking from the Badwater Institute of Public Policy. “It’s addictive and to keep the drama going. It’s similar to a NASCAR wreck.”

The inclement weather lump is expected to pass early this week, which experts say will allow people on Facebook to return to posting pictures of cats.

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