New York, NY — Former New York mayor and presidential candidate, Rudy Giuliani clarified his statements about Hillary Clinton’s medical condition today.
“When I said Hillary Clinton was ill, I didn’t want to expose the embarrassing truth as to her actual illness,” Giuliani commenced. “It seems I have been contacted by every reporter and pundit in the entire world about clarifying my comments. Well, I’m just going to have to go New York style and tell it like it is. Hillary Clinton has worms! That’s right, I said she has worms,” shouted the mayor as his eyes rolled in his head and a little ball of saliva dripped from the corner of his mouth.
“That is the craziest thing I have ever heard,” spouted NY Times columnist, David Brooks, “how can you say such things?”
“Just look at her,” quipped Giuliani, “she is totally fatigued, she has significant weight loss, not that most people could tell because of the hideous clothing she wears, she is surrounded by nauseousness, she has diarrhea of the mouth, and her abdominal pain is so severe that she regularly doubles over like a cheap Brooklyn hooker that has been kicked in the gut by an unruly pimp. Not to mention her regularly dragging her butt on the carpet when she “thinks” no one is looking. If that isn’t worms, you tell me what it is. And beyond that, what has she been kissing to get these worms?”
The mayor then started a Teletubby video and demanded some crackers and cheese whiz.