Heaven — God, the creator of all, the seer of everything that is, has been and will be, is reportedly overjoyed with recent moves by popular Internet companies to limit, and in some cases outright ban so-called fake news sites. Gish Gallop was able to conduct an interview with the Almighty by kneeling and staring at our clasped hands.
“I’m pretty open-minded, I mean, one of the guys I made up lived in a whale for a few days. So, my tolerance level is pretty high,” God said in his weekly Facebook announcement. “But when I saw stories portraying Obama as the Devil, it gave me pause. It does,” says the Lord God Himself, “I never even really knew who Obama was until he pissed all over Kerry’s nomination ceremony in 2004.”
In the months leading up to the 2016 election, many fake news sites appeared on the Internet and were allegedly promoted by the Russians to tip the election in favor of Donald Trump. A recent unscientific study by the highly esteemed news site Buzzfeed claimed that the overwhelming majority of such sites propagated bizarre and untrue assertions about Hillary Clinton, including that she was a reptilian alien and that she and her husband Bill Clinton had purchased a large estate on the Maldives Islands despite the fact that another fake news story asserted that Mr. Clinton had mysteriously committed suicide after going off-script at a campaign rally.
“Well, you know, there’s nothing that the Lord Almighty hates more than fake news,” continued the most powerful deity in the universe, a guy who claims to know Allah personally .”Anything that’s made up to fool people into behaving a certain way brings out my wrath. So I’ve decided to postpone annihilation of all life on Earth for a few more years given that Mark Zuckerberg has finally seen the light.”
When asked to elaborate on what real news is, God didn’t hold back.
“The stories about Tom Cruise being gayer than a three-dollar bill, those are troublesome when so many are just trying to take down Scientology. Who cares if the dweeb is gay? That’s not why I made him,” God explained. “I made him do Top Gun. Not much else.” God grew heated at this point as he scrolled through today’s news. “Jon Stewart, South Park, Colbert, John Oliver – that’s funny stuff. Alfred E. Neumann and I agree on that. [email protected] is not funny. I’m God. I know funny.”
God added, “I gave you powers of discernment, logic, reason, and humor. Why don’t you try using those for a change? Quit wasting Zuckerberg’s time.”It is unclear how long God will give Earth and its humans a reprieve, but Hillary Clinton supporters are actively looking for other things to overreact to and summarily ban.