GOP Congress Pledges to Sabotage Sanders Presidency

Unlike President Obama, The Republicans promise to not support President Bernie Sanders
Unlike President Obama, The Republicans promise to not support President Bernie Sanders

Washington, D.C. — A growing number of independent voters are voicing their support for presidential candidate Bernie Sanders while simultaneously worrying that, if elected, Sanders will not see the high level of cooperation Democratic rival Hillary Clinton would.

“I don’t know,” said Hank Snow of Grass Valley, CA, a handyman and undecided liberal voter. “I really like what Bernie stands for, but I don’t want to see the cooperative spirit that President Obama experienced with Congress change to obstructionism and fear mongering.”

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan has stated his intention to withdraw the stable hand of friendship Republicans have extended to Obama over the last 7 years.

“Bernie Sanders is a radical leftist,” he proclaimed to a cheering audience, pumping his fist for emphasis. “If the Democrats manage to get him elected they can forget about all the compromise they’ve come to expect from us,” he continued, referring to the renaming of a library in 2011 that most Republicans abstained from voting on.

The Clinton camp welcomed the news, with Clinton graciously acknowledging herself as better positioned to elicit a calm and moderate reaction from conservatives in Congress.

“I respect my opponent, but Congress has made it clear that it will only work with a centrist candidate like myself or President Obama. While I may or may not agree with Mister Sanders on many issues, the reality is the American people deserve better than a Congress gridlocked by partisanship for four or even eight years. If elected I have no doubt Republicans will treat me with dignity and respect and work with me in good faith, as they have with President Obama.”

Sal Smith of Alta Sierra
Sal Smith of Alta Sierra

Retired conservative voter Sal Smith of Alta Sierra voiced his concerns more directly.

“We’ve been accommodating with President Obama because he never did anything that any other post-industrialized country would consider ‘liberal,'” Smith said. “He’s been pretty patient and reasonable and for that conservatives have been willing to work with him. Judging from the level of respect we give Hillary I think we would continue our tradition of moderation. But if Sanders is elected I could see conservatives across the country turning into irrational dickheads unwilling to entertain even the least controversial steps he proposed.”

Smith frowned for a moment and continued, “America can’t rightly function with a bunch of irrational dickheads in Congress throwing tantrums for the next eight years.”

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Jon Reremy, PhD
When Jon was a little bitty baby his mama would rock him in the cradle in the old cotton fields where he's from. Growing up in the deep south, he learned to take a punch, a skill he carries with him to this day and looks to pass on to future generations of Reremies. After the tragic monster truck accident that claimed the life of his latest wife, all pending charges were dropped, leaving Jon to pursue his dream of marrying someone younger, hotter, and dirtier. As his hunt continues, Jon lurks around the local junior college, where he hopes to earn his doctorate by attending several classes a month, that he may one day stop lying about having one. When he's not studying or leching, Jon maintains an active television-viewing schedule. On the rare occasion inspiration strikes, he strikes back.
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Dennis Baxter
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Dennis Baxter

What compromise is he talkiing about?

DanWilliamsPhotography
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That’s bad photoshopping!! Bad journalist! Sure, we don’t like Paul Ryan, but to photoshop his hand to be a middle finger is unethical journalism.

Thumbgumby
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Thumbgumby

This has got to be satire. Since when have the conservatives worked with the president?

pajamaboy
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pajamaboy

When has the KENYAN tried to work with conservatives? Never.

Thumbgumby
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Thumbgumby

Why would any Kenyan want to work with republicans? As world leaders go, they would be in the minority.

pajamaboy
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pajamaboy

Well, the KENYAN didn’t even work that well with his own DEMOCRAPS. And his incompetence in foreign affairs is well known.

Shim'tar Akila
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Shim'tar Akila

This is satire, right? I’ve been paying very close attention for the last 7 years and any claims about the GOP cooperating with Obama is a joke.

SFnomad
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SFnomad

Ryan thinks RepubliCONs have provided a “stable hand of friendship” to President Obama? It’s clear Ryan is delusional. Or is this something from The Onion?