Washington, D.C. — A growing number of independent voters are voicing their support for presidential candidate Bernie Sanders while simultaneously worrying that, if elected, Sanders will not see the high level of cooperation Democratic rival Hillary Clinton would.
“I don’t know,” said Hank Snow of Grass Valley, CA, a handyman and undecided liberal voter. “I really like what Bernie stands for, but I don’t want to see the cooperative spirit that President Obama experienced with Congress change to obstructionism and fear mongering.”
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan has stated his intention to withdraw the stable hand of friendship Republicans have extended to Obama over the last 7 years.
“Bernie Sanders is a radical leftist,” he proclaimed to a cheering audience, pumping his fist for emphasis. “If the Democrats manage to get him elected they can forget about all the compromise they’ve come to expect from us,” he continued, referring to the renaming of a library in 2011 that most Republicans abstained from voting on.
The Clinton camp welcomed the news, with Clinton graciously acknowledging herself as better positioned to elicit a calm and moderate reaction from conservatives in Congress.
“I respect my opponent, but Congress has made it clear that it will only work with a centrist candidate like myself or President Obama. While I may or may not agree with Mister Sanders on many issues, the reality is the American people deserve better than a Congress gridlocked by partisanship for four or even eight years. If elected I have no doubt Republicans will treat me with dignity and respect and work with me in good faith, as they have with President Obama.”
Retired conservative voter Sal Smith of Alta Sierra voiced his concerns more directly.
“We’ve been accommodating with President Obama because he never did anything that any other post-industrialized country would consider ‘liberal,'” Smith said. “He’s been pretty patient and reasonable and for that conservatives have been willing to work with him. Judging from the level of respect we give Hillary I think we would continue our tradition of moderation. But if Sanders is elected I could see conservatives across the country turning into irrational dickheads unwilling to entertain even the least controversial steps he proposed.”
Smith frowned for a moment and continued, “America can’t rightly function with a bunch of irrational dickheads in Congress throwing tantrums for the next eight years.”