GOP to Replace Meals on Wheels with Scones on Drones

Donald Trump has announced a replacement for the Meals on Wheels Program.
Donald Trump has announced a replacement for the Meals on Wheels Program.

Washington, D.C. — Donald Trump promised seniors on the campaign trail that “something terrific” would replace the popular Meals on Wheels program once repealed, and now we are finally finding out what this “terrific” program entails.

White House budget chief, Mick Mulvaney, unveiled the long-awaited Meals on Wheels replacement, Scones on Drones, to a mixed response. Malvaney described the program as, “One of the most compassionate things we can do.”

Malvaney said the new budget, which calls for dramatic cuts to social programs in favor of increased military spending, will ultimately better serve society’s most vulnerable. “The military will have plenty of drones to ensure the scones reach those in need, all while saving the American taxpayers millions of dollars.”

“There’s gotta be a better way to go about it than this,” said Raymond Herrell, 79, from Menominee, MI. Ray has been living alone since his wife went into a nursing home last year. “I don’t get out too much. And when I do I need a wheelchair or walker. And how am I supposed to find this damn drone anyway? And what the hell is a scone?”

A scone is a small unsweetened or lightly sweetened biscuit-like cake made from flour, fat, and milk.

The reason his wife did most of the cooking and housework is because Ray has a rare, incurable nerve disease. “I could cook a meal, but I’m crippled in my hands and legs, so I have problems even opening a can of food. How is a drone supposed to help me with that?” he said.

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About a month-and-a-half ago, Mr. Herrell started getting meals delivered to his home. “They bring me a nice hot meal for lunch and a cold one after my nap in the early evening,” Ray said. “It’s been wonderful.”

Ray is one of 2.4 million seniors served by the program, which has been delivering meals to the sick and homebound since the 1950s.

Meals on Wheels volunteer, Susan Williams, makes visits to 16 seniors in Augusta, GA. One of them is Pearl Hemmings, 86, who said her arthritis makes it impossible for her to cook.

“It’s really bad for people like myself,” said Mrs. Hemmings, “I don’t walk or drive anymore.” Pearl said the thought of losing Meals on Wheels for a once a day scone delivery is nothing short of depressing. “I’m not a picky eater or anything but a scone is not a meal.”

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Sixty-five-year-old Janey Keller, also from Augusta, is also worried. Her doctor arranged for her to start receiving meals following hip surgery 6 months ago. Four months later, she slipped and shattered her kneecap. “I’ve been pretty housebound,” she says.

“I leave my door open, and she puts [the meals] on my walker and says, ‘Good morning, Janey!'” Volunteer Williams says, “Meal on Wheels delivers more than just food, they deliver companionship and friendship five days a week. A drone can’t do that.”

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is asking people to give Scones on Drones a chance. “Once everything is implemented, I think many will be surprised just how well this program works for the American people.”