Fort Worth, Texas — After a 6-month investigation, the Government working with California’s special Carry and Conceal Elimination Department task force has authorized the deployment of its special “Gun Confiscation Unit” to several areas of Texas. The unit, which is a converted Chevrolet Astro Van which according to records previously belonged to a Citrus Heights, CA carpet company, is scheduled to make door-to-door rounds throughout the Fort Worth area demanding that citizens surrender their weapons.
“This secret program has been in the works for a few years under the Obama administration,” said unit lead and Astro Van driver Mohammed L. Martinez from the front seat of the car. “It’s taken almost seven years to get this program up and running. And not a day too soon, you know? With all these shootings, this action is way overdue.”
A holdover 290 million dollar program, nicknamed “ObamaGun” by its Republican detractors, was authorized by an ignored Presidential executive action from 2013. The move enables a fleet of Astro Vans across the country to engage in “a courteous confiscation of all firearms” with the purpose of “securing the safety of potential gun violence victims.”
According to the details the executive action 23691a, agents will go door-to-door in the “highest risk” communities and demand that gun owners surrender their weapons to the federal agent.
Texans React in Predictable Ways
“Of course this aggression will not stand,” said exasperated community activist Brock Whalen on the porch of his gated-community. “If they think Nancy Pelosi and this Beto character can just come in here and take our protection, they’ve got another thing coming. And besides, the speed limit here is 20 mph. They’ll probably get a ticket and scared off before they make it to my place.”
Other Fort Worth residents were angrier and more direct.
“Look,” said a frantic Jason Dant from his Horton Street home. “It’s people like me who protect all the people who want to seize my weapons, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let some two-bit government employee come onto my property and take my 27 weapons. If a few people have to die to protect my 2nd Amendment rights, that’s uncomfortable, but it’s just the way it is. A militia is what the people say it is, not what the government tells us it is.”
Gish Gallop reached out to the California Carry and Conceal Elimination Department task force for comment, but only received a brief email stating similar secret pilot programs were successful last month in Oregon and Oklahoma. President Trump is considering discontinuing the Obama-era program but is facing fierce political pressure to do something about the nation’s gun violence problems.