Government Time Machine To Transport Extremists to Middle Ages

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Seeking to avoid cliches, the design team under Dr. Hanz's direction, decided on a 1961 Rambler for Razor Cat.
Seeking to avoid cliches, the design team under Dr. Hanz’s direction, decided on a 1961 Rambler for Razor Cat.

Washington D.C. — White House officials have told Gish Gallop that it has been developing a time machine to transport various extremists back to the Middle Ages. The Obama Administration believes that these groups will be happier and thrive without the restrictions of modern life.

Scheduled for its first human tests in 2021 during the second term of Hillary Clinton Administration, the first time machine project test phase, known internally as “Razor Cat TM-1243RA,” will transport one religious extremist from each major religion to approximately 600 years in the past. If successful, large-scale “space-time deportations” will be begin shortly afterwards.

“We’ve haven’t really worked out the time vectors,” said lead German-born Razor Cat Scientist Dr. Hanzsel Hanz. “As you might imagine, there are a lot of considerations. For example, each major religion has its own unique time in history when they murdered people for no apparent reason other than God or whatever told them to do so. So we’ve been working with a team of anthropologists to nail-down these periods. It’s not as easy as FoxNews tells you.”

The time travel contraption, built-in coordination with the Department of Defense (DoD) was actually the brainchild of the officials late in the Bush Administration. However the project was not launched until after 2012 when the Obama administration felt it could do “whatever the hell it wanted to” without the fear of a meddling Congress. When asked why the Bush Administration didn’t pursue the project, one White House official offered a somewhat puzzling answer.

“Despite all the empire building achievements of President Bush,” commented a White House insider who chose to remain anonymous, “at the time, the President seemed more interested in pursuing his painting hobby than transporting extremists to the past. Rumor also has it that Dick Cheney was on an early iteration of the list, which as you might guess didn’t go over so well with him. So President Bush just shelved the project because he was afraid of Mr. Cheney.”

Details are slim, undoubtedly due to national security concerns, but Dr. Hanz revealed that the design of the first prototype was surprisingly simple.

“It didn’t require the amount of energy one might imagine,” continued Dr. Hanz, in a cleared DoD statement referring to pop-science notions that creating such a device would need a great deal of electricity. “In fact, it was more of a biochemical thing. Razor Cat requires that the atmosphere be prepped with airplane spraying to ‘tenderize’ [Note: this is an internal term used] the time travel environment. For this we’ve used airplanes to spray targeted aerosolized heavy metals and anti-psychotics over the past six years. As for the look and feel of Razor Cat, we choice a 1961 AMC Rambler Ambassador, because we could. Why make it look boxy?”

The question on everyone’s mind, is exactly what defines an extremist. The White House did not offer a clear definition of what an extremist is, but it did say that it’s a delicate topic and takes this identification process seriously. One insider provided a list of what they’re calling “transportative-ready undesirables.” (listed in order of priority)

  1. Muslim Extremists
  2. Dick Cheney
  3. Muslim Extremists sympathizers
  4. People who look like Muslim Extremists
  5. Hipsters, damn hipsters. Every single one of them
  6. 700 Club Viewers (their disappearance will be construed as the Rapture)
  7. People who name their children after a fruit or gods
  8. The entire Canadian Province of Saskatchewan (dirt, people, everything)
  9. Raider fans
  10. Dr. Oz fans
  11. Dr. Oz
  12. Chemtrail activists
  13. Nevada County Peeps admins
  14. People who say “just saying” more than once a day

The White House was quick to stress that these are preliminary space-time deportation categories and are subject to change based on new developments.

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