Grass Valley, CA — After numerous complaints about the safety and effectiveness of the Main street roundabout, Grass Valley’s new Soviet-style leadership did what any politburo government would do: distract its citizens with spectacle and entertainment. To that end, local government officials have installed a Merry-Go-Round in the middle of the Roundabout.
“The people don’t even know what they want,” said newly elected Nevada County Board of Supervisor Dan Miller. “And that’s something sobering when you take on a leadership role. This Merry-Go-Round was Ben Aguilar’s [doe-eyed Mr. Aguilar was appointed to city council without a popular vote] idea. And it makes complete sense when you think about it, which we’re hoping you won’t. Because we do all the thinking for you.”
The Carousel project, called internally as “Operation Runaround,” was launched after many criticisms about the efficacy of the circular traffic control system. Also senior citizens claimed not to understand how the Roundabout works, often lurching into traffic and being unable to “get out” of it. The Merry-Go-Round project team and government officials hope to encourage seniors not to use it and to distract other complaints with bright lights and playful music.
Operation Runaround is managed by Conrad Properties infamous for unnecessarily cutting down trees in Penn Valley, CA earlier this year. According to a Conrad representative, the Merry-go-Round is being sourced from the former Soviet Ukrainian city of Pripyat made famous by the Chernobyl Nuclear disaster.
“We got it cheap,” said Conrad project manager Charles D. McGehee in a Gish Gallop telephone interview. “They’re taking it apart and shipping the entire thing for a song and a dance. Man, the power of eBay.”
Critics of the project say the new Carousel will further make the Roundabout even more dangerous by blocking driver’s views. Also, the presence of children running across the road present hazards previously only seen in Driver’s Education films, minus the bouncing balls.
“This is the dumbest idea yet,” said Janet Williams of Cedar Ridge. “Has anyone thought this through? Kids running around? Blind spots? Dumb.”
The project is due to start once the Carousel arrives in Grass Valley later this summer and goes through an extensive decontamination process.