Part 1 of 2, part 2 tomorrow.
Gish Gallop’s Lou LaPlante met with Constitutional “Sheriff” Mack at an undisclosed location. Sheriff Mack is also the founder of the ultra Right-Wing Constitutional Sheriffs and Peace Officers Association and established the “County Sheriff Project” movement. Here is the interview we have been waiting for.
Lou: So Sheriff, what the hell is it that make you tick?
Mack: Deep in the woods of ice-bound Alaska
Seven winters I toiled with three buddies together
Cutting down trees and hauling logs through the snow,
And I lived on raw meat and saved my earnings:
Seven years it’s taken men to get me
Here where I now am.
There is a riverside hut for seven winters
Carving our curses with our knives in the table,
Talking of nothing but where we would go to,
Of just where we would go to when we’ve saved enough money,
Hungered, thirsted, sweated, shivered to
Get where we now are.
When our time was over, we picked up our earnings,
Out of all the towns we had to choose from, we chose Mahagonny,
Made our way here without stopping to rest
By the shortest route.
And what does it all add up to?
That no fouler place could exist
Nor any duller one be found on earth than
Here where we now are.
He jumps to his feet.
What’s the big idea? You think you can treat us like that? You’ve got a second thing coming. Come out of there, you As-You-Like-It slut! It’s Sheriff Mack talking…from Alaska…he doesn’t like it here!
Lou: What don’t you like here?
Mack: Your dungheap.
Lou: I seem to keep hearing the word ‘dungheap.’ Did anyone by chance say ‘dungheap?’
Mack: You heard me. I said Dungheap. Seven winters, seven winters hauling logs and cutting down trees…
Lou: You spent seven winters cutting down trees…
Mack: And the river, and the river, and the river jammed with floating ice…
Lou: The river jammed with floating ice…
Mack: Hungered, thirsted, sweated, shivered,
Slaving like a beast to get here
But I do not like it here for
Nothing’s going on.
Lou: Listen, Sheriff Mack. Listen here, Sheriff Mack. Please be good and put that knife away.
Mack: Hold me back! Hold me back!!
Lou: Please be good and put that knife away.
Mack: Hold me, hold me back!!
To be continued tomorrow…