Winston-Salem, NC — In what is raising more than a few eyebrows in the garment industry, Hanes Brands, the parent company of the popular line of Hanes undergarments, has trademarked the phrase OxyCotton for its new line of men’s and women’s underwear. The new line of clothing, which is expected out sometime before Christmas 2017,  also sports an equally controversial tag line of “you almost feel nothing.”

“At Hanes, we strive to create clothing so comfortable, you can’t even feel it,” said Hanes Brands spokesperson Bethany Millbright speaking with reporters at company headquarters. “And nothing says relaxed and at ease than Hanes’ OxyCotton clothing. You almost feel nothing.”

Industry insiders say Hanes is obsessed with providing clothing that their customers don’t notice they’re wearing. In the early 2000s, the company pioneered tag-less T-shirts, replacing the dangling and irritating washing instructions and warnings with an embossed version on the top back of their clothing lines. The innovation was a huge success and was heralded by organizations such as the National Obsessive Compulsive Association or NOCA as a significant advancement in reducing irritating clothing.

With this latest offering, NOCA spokesperson Chris Patrick Macdougall says Hanes will dominate the industry.


“For years people with OCD have suffered from tight-fitting and gouging undergarments,” said Mr. Macdougall reminding Gish Gallop to spell his last name with 2 “L’s.” “And if Hanes has a product that you basically can’t tell you’re wearing, I and along with thousands of OCD sufferers will be thrilled. It will be downright addictive.”

Critics of the move, which there are many, claim that this clever play on words might further exacerbate the current opiate epidemic sweeping across the United States and ruining thousands of lives.

“Well, I think this is simply opportunistic and craven,” said Professor James Badwater of the University of Chicago’s Badwater Institute of Public Policy. “I mean the comparison is obvious to Oxycontin and they are just trying to capitalize on the current crisis. It’s quite brazen of Hanes, and I hope they change their minds.”

Ms. Millbright was unwilling to reveal how their latest line of undergarments makes “you almost feel nothing,” but said that this next summer would hopefully release the products pending FDA approval.

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