Harvest News: “Farmers” Demand School Closures Due to Rain

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Local harvest threatened by unseasonal rain.
Local harvest threatened by unseasonal rain.

Nevada County, CA — Due to a somewhat unseasonal rainstorm, some Nevada County “farmers” are demanding that local schools close to give area families extra labor for an emergency harvest.

According to unnamed sources within the school district, administrators have been faced with a flurry of calls requesting that school be canceled for the rest of the week to aid, as one insider put it, “an unexpected farm workload.”

Late September to early October is  generally known as harvest season for the Nevada County’s largest cash crop. Although the area is currently flooded with “trimmigants,” which are migrant workers who have arrived to aid in the harvest efforts, the recent and unseasonal storm has prompted a full-blown panic among local growers.

“Oh man,” said local farmer and Pythagorean Bogina band leader Moonash, “This rain is gonna mess up my entire outdoor Girl Scout Cookie crop. I’ve got too many plants to cover them. The mold. Oh, man.”

Reaction from other local farmers was more pointed.

“They didn’t close the Nevada County Schools when my kids were choking from the smoke, ” said Merrilee Longshoes. “But now would be a really good time to cancel classes with this rain emergency.”

Sources close to the BriarPatch are concerned that this might impact revenue during its most profitable time of the year.

“We’ve been stocking up on lots of smaller bills to be able to handle the influx of 100 dollar bills which we always see this time of year,” said a cashier who chose to remain anonymous. “We’re gonna have a lot of change left over if this rain screws up the harvest.”

At the time of this writing, all classes across Nevada County are in session and there are no immediate plans to accommodate the emergency Harvest. Sheriff Royal could not be reached for comment, but sources close to Don Bessee said that he was happy about the drought relief and potential harm this weather might do to the local economy.

“Mister Dreadlocks head shop owner over there on Colfax Avenue is going to take it in the shorts, and I’ll be standing in front of his store laughing my ass off,” exclaimed a pitiful and self-righteous Bessee, behaving no better than a Westboro Baptist Church parishioner. “I hope the entire Nevada County crop becomes as moldy as that pile of dirty towels in the corner of my laundry room that I never get around to washing because I’m too busy being a complete pain in the rear to just about everyone in Nevada County.”

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