San Jose, CA — With the election season heating up, Democratic presidential nominee Bernie Sanders has just been greeted with another round of good news. The pioneering heavy metal band Megadeth has offered to play at Sanders’ upcoming rally before the next primary on Saturday, March 2nd in San Jose, California, and the Sanders campaign has enthusiastically accepted.

“This is a great opportunity for us to demonstrate the diversity of people who believe in a Sanders presidency,” said campaign manager Faiz Shakir, awkwardly forming a set of horns with his fingers for the cameras.

Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine was open about the profound role Sanders has played in his stormy life.

“For years, I held on to such intense anger. I could feel it eating my insides. So I drank to getaway. It took me decades to hit rock bottom, and then I bounced to fundamentalist Christianity and went completely off the deep end, even announcing at a show that Obama staged a mass shooting to take away guns,” he explained, sighing. “After that, I knew my meds were wrong. I went to my doctor, and we played with combinations and dosages until I stabilized.”



Mustaine shook visibly as he continued.

“My whole life I’ve been tossed around, too weak to stand without a crutch — first alcohol, then religion. The things I see Bernie doing, though, it’s unbelievable. It’s inspirational. I want to be part of the team that helps people instead of hiding behind my couch with a gun, muttering to an invisible man and hoping things magically get better. This is a crutch I can really stand behind.”

Sanders took a moment to comment on Mustaine’s journey, saying, “the young man has had it rough. He’s fought his demons, but he’s a better man. I believe in him, and I am proud to have him by my side. Peace sells, and the American people are buying!”

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Jon Reremy, PhD
When Jon was a little bitty baby his mama would rock him in the cradle in the old cotton fields where he's from. Growing up in the deep south, he learned to take a punch, a skill he carries with him to this day and looks to pass on to future generations of Reremies. After the tragic monster truck accident that claimed the life of his latest wife, all pending charges were dropped, leaving Jon to pursue his dream of marrying someone younger, hotter, and dirtier. As his hunt continues, Jon lurks around the local junior college, where he hopes to earn his doctorate by attending several classes a month, that he may one day stop lying about having one. When he's not studying or leching, Jon maintains an active television-viewing schedule. On the rare occasion inspiration strikes, he strikes back.