Lynchburg, VA — A local gang of high school bullies has taken over the Christian-only Liberty University in an attempt to “make education great again.” As of this writing, many of the students and staff of the university, previously held hostage until 12:00 EST the other day, have been released to freedom. However, many are still being held prisoner inside the facility and have been offered jobs within the ongoing situation.
“For too long, a small group within our nation’s universities have reaped the rewards of being paid professors while the masses of students have borne the hard work, the American carnage,” uttered 16 year old Cameron Whalen, leader of the takeover. “We knew what we were doing was a big deal. Huge. We are going to change the way things are done around here, right now, right then,” explained Mr. Whalen, throwing an autistic kid a half-chewed apple. “We are going to take back this elite education system, make it great again. There is no room for prejudice.”
When do you intend to do that? I’m assuming you’ll put out some of these dumpster fires you’ve got going.
“As soon as we’ve had a little break. It was hard work taking over this entire university,” whimpers the perfectly capable alpha male, Cameron Whalen, “I’m sure when the time comes we’ll know what we need to do next.”
Mr. Whalen then climbed out of his car and climbed back in it again. The door was in good working order.
Liberty University has been quite successfully run by a prominent and respected African American dean for the last 8 years. However, the Orange Men, as the bullies have decided to call themselves, have promised to do “greater things. Bigger things. Education won’t interfere with bringing our borders back anymore, dreams again.”
Though the university has had some scandals in the past like football team rape parties, the old pissing on the poor rich guy goof and more, many think that a complete takeover of the school may have been a touch too far even for a real news publication.
“I never liked the condescending voice of the professors? Or whatever?” Jennifer Myers, a former student, complains, “but I totally started to understand a lot of what he was saying toward the end?”
Like it or not, says Mr. Whalen, this is the way education is happening. “For too long the frog of freedom was just that, a lower case word. Or two words,” elucidates the guy, “whatever it is, it’s time everybody knows that the time of this Frog – capital letters! – is upon us.”
Mr. Whalen ribbits, “We don’t have a fucking clue what to do now that we own all this shit. We have libraries and gyms. Everybody should have libraries and gyms.”