Hillary Beats Kerry for Coveted 2016 Diaper Award

Hillary Clinton seen here accepting her 2015 Porta-Pants Person of the Year
Hillary Clinton seen here accepting her 2016 Porta-Pants Person of the Year

Fresno, CA — In a close call contest, Porta-Pantsâ„¢ (http://www.porta-pants.com/) has announced the results of its first annual Porta-Pantsâ„¢ Person of the Year Award, recognizing outstanding people who wear adult diapers as part of a healthy and active lifestyle.

Porta-Pants, whose slogan is, “when you have to go, on the go,”® is a leading manufacturer of absorbent underwear and is breaking ground for a new store in Nevada City, California.

“It’s not because this is a retirement community with lots of incontinent people,” the press release stated. “It’s because this is an active and health conscious community where people know the importance of answering Nature’s call whenever it comes.”

Holding in waste leads to a build up of toxins, and can cause problems for the colon and bladder, including diverticulitis, bladder stones, and prostate enlargement, according to North San Juan, CA “excretion consultant” David E. Alonzo, who is an elimination expert not connected to Porta-Pants.

In a telephone interview with Gish Gallop, Alonzo explained, “look, when you hold in waste, you’re going to get wasted. It’s that simple. Unfortunately, people don’t always have a bathroom available when they need it, or the bathroom is in some bus station and is too gross to even step inside.”

Porta-Pantsâ„¢ leads the active adult diaper industry with a patented NoLeakâ„¢ technology
Porta-Pantsâ„¢ leads the active adult diaper industry with a patented NoLeakâ„¢ technology

Enter Porta-Pants, the first company to see the benefits of adult diapers for active people of all ages. Now, if you need to pee or poop but are stuck in traffic, or are at an important business meeting you can’t leave, or are taking a test in school and can’t lose time to go to the restroom, or whatever, you can just relieve yourself in your Porta-Pants and make sure your eliminatory organs are empty and healthy. No need to take time out from a busy schedule to find relief ever again.

Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is a role model for all active Americans,” the Porta-Pants press release explained, “and we are happy she won our first Porta-Person of the Year Award. Secretary of State John Kerry was a close second, and we hope he continues to wear Porta-Pants and runs again for Porta-Person of the Year in 2016.”

Gish Gallop contacted Ms. Clinton for comment, and was given this statement from her staff.

“I love Porta-Pants and credit it for much of my success when acting as Secretary of State. Often we would be at difficult marathon negotiations, and leaving the table to go to the restroom can seem like a weakness. With Porta-Pants, I can do my business and my country’s business at the same time.”

Grass Valley resident Reynaldo M. Rodriguez said he welcomed the new Porta-Pants store.

“This will come in real handy when I take that long flight to Florida next Christmas to visit my grandson,” said a relieved Mr. Rodriguez. “I hate using the toilets on the plane.”

Bridget Doggins of Grass Valley said Porta-Pants has changed the way she is raising her newest child, 2 year old Tyler, who is having trouble being toilet trained.

“I’ve been fussing at Tyler to stop pooping and peeing in her diaper, and she has been a real pain to train. But since I’ve been using Porta-Pants during my marathon runs, I don’t think kids ever need to stop wearing diapers. I won’t.”

Secretary Kerry, who contacted Gish Gallop with an unsolicited statement said, “I was real disappointed when Hillary beat me. But whether it’s losing peace in the Middle East, or losing the Porta-Pants Award, you need to just smile and keep going.”