Hillary Clinton: Texas Floods God’s Wrath for Resisting Gay Marriage

A triumphant Hillary Clinton is rejoicing after God's endorsement of same-sex marriage.

A triumphant Hillary Clinton is rejoicing after God’s endorsement of same-sex marriage.

New York, NY — Former Democrat Presidential hopeful and Benghazi mastermind Hillary Clinton announced on Monday that the recent deluge of storms confronting Texas was God’s wrath for not supporting same-sex marriage. Seizing an opportunity to shore up the “left flank” of the Democratic Party, and undoubtedly also to annoy Texans, Ms. Clinton said that the torrential rains and subsequent flooding were “God letting us know we’re on the right track.”

“God works in ways we don’t understand,” said a pandering Hillary Clinton to the Hermetic Episcopal Lay People of America or HELPA on Monday night. “The Almighty has let his opinion be known on the urgent matter of same-sex marriage. And, as I suspected, our campaign to ‘re-takeback America again like we did before’ is right on the money. God wants gay marriage, friends. And speaking of money, we can’t win this without your support. Even with God’s help.”

Same-sex marriage is not legal in Texas, although a state court ordered the Travis County clerk to issue one marriage license to two women on February 19, 2015, citing the illness of one of them. On February 26, 2014, Judge Orlando Garcia, of the United States District Court for the Western District of Texas, found that Texas’s ban on same-sex marriage was unconstitutional. On April 23, 2014, Judge Barbara Nellermoe, of the 45th Judicial District Court of Bexar County, found that Texas’s ban on same-sex marriage was unconstitutional.

This past week, God has added his two cents in with Biblical-worthy flooding and mayhem.

“It’s time for Texans to stop acting like Jet Ski-riding douche bags and join the rest of the civilized world,” said the almighty God in an exclusive satellite telephone interview. “I understand the State has been going through a difficult time after they lost all those brains, but this kind of hateful and institutional bigotry is plain stupid. So they were praying for rain? How do you like them apples, eh?”

As for the Clinton campaign, they are both ecstatic for the endorsement, and “notably concerned” about the welfare of the “bigots in Texas,” a campaign spokeswoman stated.

“We are definitely enthralled that God has chosen Hillary Clinton’s positions over the other candidates,” said Clinton spokeswoman Bethany Millbright. “I mean, this endorsement has got to really jab Huckabee if you know what I mean. Anyhow, we are concerned about the people of Texas, but not really enough to travel there. But we’re sending them a mailer entitled ‘See, this is what God wants.’ We expect to harvest some votes in key districts, but certainly not enough to take the State in 2020.”

Gish Gallop reached out for more information, but a spokesperson for Ms. Clinton said their email server was down.