Agerstown, PA — A student announced yesterday that the “whole coronavirus thing is phony.” Holden Caulfield left the prestigious Pencey Preparatory Academy in defiance of a shelter in place order issued by Pennsylvania governor Tom Wolf, which many regard as one of the strictest in the nation.

The young man, who refused to identify his age, hitchhiked his way to New York City in an attempt to “escape from phonies” as “they were coming in the goddamn windows.”

“People never notice anything. I mean, all this is going on, and no one is questioning anything,” said Mr. Caulfield in an early morning Instagram post. “People are always ruining things for you. And all these old people are dying, which got me thinking. Who wants flowers when you’re dead? Nobody.”

After a few hours of wandering the New York City streets, Mr. Caulfield became increasingly depressed about the “whole situation” and decided to reach out to an old girlfriend to see if she wanted to hang out.

“Well, she’s the queen of all phonies,” said Mr. Caulfield speaking of long-time girlfriend Sally Hayes, who was dutifully following the city’s shelter-in-place order. “So I sent her a text and told her to meet me at the Biltmore on West 47th street. And she was like, ‘I dunno if that’s a good idea.’ Typical Sally.”

Mr. Caulfield claims that Sally “doesn’t like it when I talk about society,” that all she wants is some “snowballing chit-chat about shoes and shopping. Well, I don’t do that kind of phony stuff.”


When asked about his past relationship, he became grim.

“Last year, I made a rule that I was going to quit horsing around with girls that, deep down, gave me a pain in the ass. I broke it, though, the same week I made it–the same night, as a matter of fact.”

Through the course of his late-night wanderings, Holden was stopped on numerous occasions by the NYC police asking why he was out by himself.

“I don’t trust anyone who has power over me. My parents tried to do that, and that’s how I ended up at Pencey. So all these cops kept asking me ‘son, what are you doing out so late?’ And I told them Mr. Spencer’s assignment requires me to do some research. Them cops are such phonies too. They bought my excuse hook, line, and sinker every time.”

Later in the week, upon returning to Pencey, the young Caulfield reflected on what he learned. Mostly the teenager rambled on about his younger sister Pheobe, who he feels “sorry as hell for her.” But he saved his sharpest criticism for everyone is “being a sheep” for staying inside. And that there are bigger things to worry about.

“When I really worry about something, I don’t just fool around. I even have to go to the bathroom when I worry about something. Only I don’t go. I´m too worried to go. I don´t want to interrupt my worrying to go.”