Atlanta, GA — The world’s largest home improvement retailer announced today that it plans on sponsoring up to 129 miles of President Trump’s border wall. Home Depot, known for its labyrinth-like shopping experience and employees who avoid eye-contact says sponsoring sections of the wall is a “perfect government/corporate fit.”

“We are proud to participate with President Trump’s emergency declaration,” said Home Depot spokesperson Bethany Millbright. “This country has given so much to Home Depot, and this is a way we can pay it back.”

By sponsoring large sections of the wall, the home improvement giant hopes they can help offset the costs to the Federal government. And it’s also a “branding” opportunity for the chain.

“Of course we’ll be supplying much of the supplies for the wall and our logo will be featured prominently,” continued Ms. Millbright. “We also plan on including instructions on how to build a replica of the wall around your house to keep your neighbor’s prying eyes out. You’ll be able to download the plans from our website or our mobile app.”

Former Home Depot CEO Bernie Marcus is a staunch supporter of President Trump. In a 2016 essay called “Why I Stand With Donald Trump,” Mr. Marcus stated that “[a]s a backer of former Republican presidential candidates, I now stand in support of Donald J. Trump because the fate of this nation depends upon sending him, and not Hillary Clinton, to the White House.”




It was unclear until today how much pull the former chief executive had on the current company.

The Home Depot Way

What makes Home Depot’s announcement novel, is not that they’re funding sections of the wall, but rather how they’re going to do it.

“We plan on using our retail centers and suppliers for the project,” said regional director of operations Dalton H. Jesser. “We’ll use the materials in several stories near the border and our fleet of delivery vehicles to make this happen. It’s a top priority. And it will happen fast as we’re going to use miles of pre-fabricated pine and cedar fencing.”

Critics of Home Depot’s plan call the company’s efforts hypocritical as it has benefited from illegal labor frequently hired just outside their retail centers. Many are suspicious that Home Depot would be willing to limit cross-border traffic if it impacts the ability of its core  customers to hire cheap, undocumented day laborers.




In a related move, international food conglomerate Chiquita started a sponsorship drive that will be funding over 60 miles of the wall, while Rush Limbaugh was only willing to fund 5.2 inches of the wall. President Trump is said to have put up enough of his own money for 3 inches of the wall, but critics argue that may endanger the habitat of a rare mushroom.

Home Depot says it plans on letting the public help in its wall-building efforts. However it would be on a volunteer basis for “patriotic” Americans.

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Tater
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Tater

Love this sarcastic article…bravo! If anyone believes that “wood fencing” from Home Depot is building a “wall”….yep….you are an idiot.

Maria Camacho
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Maria Camacho

I’m shopping at Home Depot from now on! Forget about Lowe’s.

Darco Murphy
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Darco Murphy

Why 129 miles you ask? Why not an even 130? ANGEL NUMBER 129 Number 129 is a combination of the influences and attributes of number 1, the vibrations of number 2 and the influences of number 9. Number 1 brings courage, progress, willpower and ambition, new beginnings and starting afresh, self-leadership and assertiveness, initiative, instinct and intuition, finding success and personal fulfilment. Number 1 also tells us that we create our own realities with our thoughts, beliefs and actions. Number 2 adds its energies of diplomacy and co-operation, consideration for others, finding balance and harmony, duality, devotion and selflessness, faith… Read more »

Rhonda
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This is a piece written by a wannabe writer (and will never be a good one), but certainly not a journalist. It’s fake news. Hey, but I have a real news page that everyone should find interesting.
ManufacturedNews.com

SJW
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SJW

This is a sarcastic piece. It is again, as President Trump would say, FAKE NEWS! Now, I am not saying that HD may not be helping to finance the wall, but the rest of the junk in the article was pure BS FAKE… So all of you who are planning on taking your business to LOWES, you are foolish for basing your life decisions on a face news sarcastic article! Can I see you some property on the Moon guaranteed to be at least ten lunar miles from the nearest Home Depot?