Washington D.C. — After several setbacks in the first few weeks of the Donald Trump administration, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) announced during an early morning press conference that they had successfully cloned a Smurf with a Muslim woman. DHS has been working on this top-secret program for almost two weeks and said they are happy with the progress.
“We are pleased how far along we’ve come in such a short time,” said DHS spokesperson Bethany Millbright speaking during the daily White House press briefing. “The research actually started in late 2015 when then-candidate Trump paid for this ground-breaking research out of his own pocket. And President Trump is a man of action, and he delivers.”
According to DHS scientist Dr. Ernst Stuhlingerheppengrupper, he was first approached by President Trump back in 2011 when the then businessman was thinking about a run for the White House. When that effort didn’t pan out, the project was put on the back burner.
“President Trump isn’t a quitter,” said the Dr. Stuhlingerheppengrupper in a heavy German accent. “He’s a man of marvelous visions of peace through master superiority. Which is why I was pleased to join his campaign in 2015. We struggled for months until your Alex Jones send us this mysterious blue vial last June. That was the discovery we needed.”
Dr. StÃ¼hlingerheppengrupper said that Mr. Jones, who hosts a popular daily “alt-news” show and is also staunch Donald Trump supporter, wouldn’t divulge the origins of the mysterious vial, but he did say that it had come from “somewhere in Eastern Europe” and that it “should do the trick in culling the “more aggressive instincts of radical Islam.”
“The Smurfs are the perfect candidate for splice-remediating Muslims,” continued Dr. Stuhlingerheppengrupper. “And although there are various archetypal Smurfs, for this first round, we chose Sassette Smurfling’s genes for her playful, tomboy characteristics. We plan on choosing others soon.”
Several civil and human rights groups have decried this activity by the Trump Administration as barbaric and have called on Congress to immediately investigate it.