West Hollywood, CA — In a tearful interview, boxing legend Manny Pacquiao confirmed rumors that he was being investigated by Federal authorities in the Philippines after a string of complaints by sparring partners alleging non-consensual fondling.
“I’m sorry for the ridiculous things I’ve been saying lately,” he said, weeping. “I thought I could control my urges through prayer, but I’ve made so many lives worse,” he continued, noting that comparing minority groups to animals is a step commonly seen among tyrants laying the foundation for hate crimes.
“Much as I thought wrapping my hands in gigantic gloves would dull the sensuality of holding another man, I thought wrapping my erotic urges in religion would soften the yearning I feel, the tugging in my chest when I see another man’s glistening torso bared across the ring as he desperately tries to avoid my aggressive embrace.”
Pacquiao explained his recent outbursts as a result of his waning career leaving him without a homoerotic outlet for his pangs of masculine lust.
“Obviously I don’t believe all those things in the Bible,” he said, referring to the condemnation of homosexuality in Leviticus. “I’m wearing blended fabrics right now. I eat shrimp. I spent years training for fights on Sundays. I’d have to be a complete moron to cherry pick homosexuality from all that.” He stopped to compose himself before continuing. “Every day I trained with the intensity of a man who just wanted to hold another man in his strong embrace, and now I’ve lost that. Sometimes I go 2, even 3 days without clutching another nearly naked man to my bosom and holding him there until a referee forces us to part.”
Asked about the future, Pacquiao admitted confusion.
“I’m coming to terms with some very painful realities now,” he sobbed. “I have to respectfully ask my fans to be patient. I may lash out some more as I process my ….” Reporters watched in awed silence as the former champion left the stage, unable to finish.