How to Cook a Fucking Rib Roast, by Loretta Splitair

Loretta Splitair, Gish Gallop's Culture Critic.
Loretta Splitair, Gish Gallop’s Culture Critic.

3 Days before you cook the Roast, do this:

1. Get a god-damned digital Thermometer from your local cooking store; the kind that can be outside the door with a cord. Ask for help if you need it.

2. Get a Rib Roast from SPD. 1 Rib per person. If you are unsure even after I’ve told you what to do, double up on your Paxil and ask the nice folks at SPD for help.

3. Get in your car, come home.

4. Remove the Rib Roast from the paper, and wrap it in a clean towel. Place the roast in a Pyrex dish, and place in the refrigerator. You might have to change the towel once and your frig will stink a bit, but it’s a good stink. Don’t be a pussy. Don’t ask why you are doing this, just do it.

This is what a cooked Rib Roast looks like.
This is what a cooked Rib Roast looks like.

5. After three days, take it out and rub this shit all over it in the following ratios:

  • 1/3 Kosher Salt
  • 1/3 Garlic Powder
  • 1/3 Black Pepper

6. Preheat Oven to 375. (190 Celsius for you commie bastards)

7. Place thermometer end into the middle of the roast, and put that beast into your oven. DO NOT OPEN DOOR UNTIL I TELL YOU.

8. Roast Rib Roast for 1 hour. Then TURN OFF YOUR OVEN.

9. Let the Rib Roast stay in there for 3 hours. DO NOT OPEN DOOR UNTIL I TELL YOU,  dumbass. If the kids open the door, put them outside for 4 hours.

10. After three hours (4 hours total), turn the oven back on to 375 degrees for 45 minutes OR until the middle temperature is around 128 degrees. Give or take a few. (That’s rare. Eat it that way.)

11. Remove from oven, cover it with foil, and let it rest at least 15 minutes before cutting into it or you will fuck it up.

12. Carve and Eat, occasionally grunting.

 

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TheDirtmover
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TheDirtmover

OK,, WIFE wants to know why to leave it in the frig for three days. ( she does not want my answer OR opinon)

Loretta Splittair
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It’s probably the most important step. It’s a quick “dry aging” of the meat. It draws out moisture and intensifies the beef flavor. Remember to change the towels once a day. It’s really worth the extra effort.

Note: The same can be done with a thick steak (have the nice folks at SPD cut you a fat one.) Buy it (or them) on Wednesday for a Saturday BBQ.

TheDirtmover
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TheDirtmover

?? The whole idea is to keep moisture IN. not suck it out. I guess that’s where we disagree. I DO get the slow cooking end. That’s why I use an offset smoker @ 250 deg. and cook for hours. I go by internal temp, not time. I use half a bag of coals to get things going, then use Oak sawdust. ( I have one saw I use to make the “saw dust” with, but use vegetable oil to lub the chain with, so not to contaminate with the usual motor oil we all use when cutting firewood.) Those… Read more »

Loretta Splittair
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Water is not moisture relative to meats. You’re mistaking fats for water. Get as much water out as possible. The best watermelons have the least amount of water, for example. Remember: Water is a solvent. It dilutes flavor. The refrigerator has a dehydrating effect on foods, which I’m assuming you’re aware of. Normally, for things like lettuces and tomatoes, this is a very bad thing. But for meats, it’s a godsend. Get the water out. The fats (the more the better) will allow the beef flavors to bloom once the water is gone. Trust me on this. There’s a reason… Read more »

TheDirtmover
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TheDirtmover

I see your point.