3-4 Days before you cook the Roast, do this:

1. Get a digital Thermometer from your local cooking store; the kind that can be outside the door with a cord. Ask for help if you need it. Don’t think you can wing it. You’re not that smart.

2. Get a Rib Roast from a market that has a butcher or at least a meat cutter. 1 Rib per person. If you are unsure even after I’ve told you what to do, double up on your Paxil and ask for help.

3. Get in your car, come home. (with the rib roast)

4. Remove the Rib Roast from the paper, and wrap it in a clean towel. Place the roast in a Pyrex dish and place it in the refrigerator. You might have to change the towel once, and your frig will stink a bit, but it’s a good stink. Don’t be a coward. Don’t ask why you are doing this; just do it.

5. After three days, take it out and rub this shit all over it in the following ratios:

  • 1/3 Kosher Salt
  • 1/3 Garlic Powder
  • 1/3 Black Pepper

[CONTINED BELOW]


6. Preheat Oven to 375. (190 Celsius for you commie bastards)

7. Place thermometer end into the middle of the roast, and put that beast into your oven. DO NOT OPEN DOOR UNTIL I TELL YOU.

8. Roast Rib Roast for 1 hour. Then TURN OFF YOUR OVEN. Got to Step 9.

9. Let the Rib Roast stay in there for 3 hours. DO NOT OPEN DOOR UNTIL I TELL YOU,  dumbass. If the kids open the door, put them outside for 4 hours.

10. After three hours (4 hours total), turn the oven back on to 375 degrees for 45 minutes OR until the middle temperature is around 128 degrees. Give or take a few. (That’s rare. Eat it that way.)

11. Remove from oven, cover it with foil, and let it rest at least 15-20 minutes before cutting into it or you will fuck it up.

12. Carve and Eat, occasionally grunting. Chew with your mouth closed.