How To Ripen an Avocado By Shoving It Up Your Ass, by Loretta Splittair

If you are having trouble gathering the courage to do this, ask a friend for help.
If you are having trouble gathering the courage to do this, ask a friend for help.

If you have a love/hate relationship with avocados like I do, stick around. I have a tip that will not only help you with unripe avocados but also make you the talk of the dinner table, of your asshole friends on Facebook or whatever. Hell, you might even make it onto the nightly news. I know, like my editor says, you should be so lucky.

Before I get to the tip, let’s talk about avocados. They’ve become the national fruit for the Millennial generation, and its no less than the focus of 14 holidays celebrating this fruit in the United Kingdom. Jesus, they love avocados over there. Come to think of it, they might actually appreciate my advice more than American hipsters and their stupid avocado toast. And one more thing, where do the English get their avocados? From the highlands of Scotland? They must be paying $40 a piece for them.

Now, onto your ass. Well, not so much about your ass, but how you use it. And when you think about, that’s what it’s really all about, isn’t it?

It’s no secret that gently heating an avocado over the course of a few minutes simulates the ripening process. There’s a lot of scientific reasons for this I won’t go into here because I’m lazy and I frankly don’t care. And neither should you.

Anyhow, I was reminded today of this trick when Facebook’s “Health Nut Erin,” who is a real loser of a human being who scares people with lies and conspiracy theories of all sorts, mentioned this warming trick. You know, it’s like they say, “a broken clock is right twice a day unless you shoot it with a .12 gauge shotgun.” Well, she posted an article about how to rapidly ripen avocados. But like most things Erin, she basically just stole the copy from a YouTube video and took credit for it. Because that asshole, like me I might add, doesn’t care about you or your fucking unripe avocados. She just cares about herself.

So I decided to replicate her method, but instead of using a low-temperature oven, I’m going to recommend you shove your unripe avocado up your ass. Just for fun and attention. So here we go.

[Editor’s note: We slipped this message in here after Loretta wrote this article and blocked her account so she can’t change it. If you actually attempt this, you are a dumb fuck and deserve to be injured.]

Step 1: Find one, two or a whole bunch of unripe avocados. You probably have them because you made some idiot Faustian bargain in the supermarket. “Well, they’ll be ripe in a few days. I won’t forget to eat them before they turn into a mushy rancid mess.” Well, you will forget, like you forget about everything in your life.

Step 2: Wrap them in aluminum foil. (Tin foil if you’re from the UK…By the way, it’s not made of tin. Stop talking like it’s 1942.)

Step 3: Get some kind of sex lubricant. I can’t stress this enough unless you really hate yourself, in which case skip this step.

Step 4: Lube the wrapped avocado and shove it in your ass. If you need help doing this, play some soft music. Have a friend help (Note: s/he can take pictures later for Facebook). If you are the same person who refused to use lubricant, have an enemy help you.

Step 5: Leave avocado in your ass for at least 20 minutes or longer especially if you’re enjoying it. Now, if you were using the oven method from shithead Erin, this would only take about 10 minutes in your 200F oven. But this is your ass we’re talking about here. I know you were stoned and sleeping in High School biology, so as a refresher, your body temperature is between 98-99F, so it takes longer. If you want to speed this up, I suggest hanging out with people who don’t vaccinate prior to doing this. You’ll catch their virus and spike a fever. Higher fever, faster ripe ass avocados. #science

Step 6: Remove avocados from your ass and enjoy. That’s it.

Some tips while you’re waiting for your avocado to ripen.

  • Look, it’s going to be uncomfortable. I mean, you were dumb enough to try this you attention whore. Try to get your mind off of the pain by playing a board game like Candyland.
  • Try angry-posting things about your ex on Facebook. People love that kind of bullshit drama.
  • Research avocado recipes on the Internet.
  • Call your local liquor store and ask if they erased that surveillance video footage of you purchasing beer when you were naked. Demand that they carry more car parts and then abruptly hang up.
  • Visualize how delicious your ripe ass avocados will taste.

Good luck. And be sure to share your experiences online.

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