Lynchburg, VA — Gail Schmuck of Lynchburg will be the first to tell you she’s blessed. The stay-at-home 38-year-old mother of two considers herself a devout Christian and has voted Republican since the age of 18. She, often misquoting Martin Luther King, “believes in people’s hearts, not their skin.”

“I come from a long line of conservative Republicans,” said Ms. Schmuck. “My entire family were Democrats until Nixon came along, and then we started voting for law and order if you know what I mean. It’s a lot like what we have nowadays.”

Recently, during the civil unrest sweeping across the country, the always-opinionated Schmuck took to social media to express her disgust for how protesters were conducting themselves.

“I don’t know why the blacks are so mad. They have it so much better than they used to have it in the 1950s. They’ve got microwave ovens and big-screen TVs now. I wish they’d be nice and calm and stop being so angry. I’m never able to go shopping at Target at this rate. I think they just need to work harder and stop with this protesting business.” Ms. Schmuck posted to her Facebook wall.


White people across the country are dismayed by the tone and tenor of continued protests across the country, with many not understanding why “they” just can’t shut up and be quiet. All though there are justifiable accusations of systematic racism, at its core, what’s going on according to experts is something called ‘endemic racism.”

“Hopefully, people can understand this within the context of our current pandemic,” said Professor James Badwater of the University of Chicago’s Badwater Institute of Social and Culinary Policy. “There is certainly systematic racism, but it’s the endemic form that’s insidious. Endemic racism is so ingrained into our culture and thinking that we just don’t see it anymore. So Aunt Jemima syrup has to radically different connotations depending on what group you’re in.”

“They’re causing all kinds of trouble and making life difficult for ordinary Americans like yours truly,” continued Ms. Schmuck. “What’s worse, is these liberals are trying to silence me by calling me a racist. Imagine that? Look here; I don’t see color or race. I have several black and oriental friends I occasionally run into down at the Kroger. So don’t you go calling me racist, OK?”