Auburn, CA — As recent polling suggests that Republicans tend to disregard the dangers of the spread rate and fatality compared to Democrats, late this week the novel coronavirus spoke out about its favorite disease vectors. CV, as the Coronavirus perfects to be called, was making its way around a northern California retail store when it took a few moments to speak with the press.

“First off, let’s clear some things up,” said the Coronavirus in an impromptu press conference in an Auburn, CA Target. “I hate being called a novel virus. There’s absolutely nothing novel about me. Well, that’s what I tell all my Republican friends. I tell them I’m as common as the seasonal flu or a nasty cold. They love hearing that shit. Whoops, pardon my French there. Did I say, French? I meant Italian.”

In a recent Pew Research Center poll, 59% of Democrats and Democratic-leaning independents say the outbreak is a major threat to the health of the U.S. population as a whole; only 33% of Republicans and Republican leaners say the same.

Nearly eight-in-ten Democrats and Democratic leaners (79%) think the president has not taken risks seriously enough, including 50% who say he hasn’t taken risks seriously at all. Among Republicans and Republican leaners, 68% think he’s gotten the threats about right, compared with far fewer (22%) who say he hasn’t taken them seriously enough.


“This is working out just perfectly for me,” continued CV scratching its nose with abandon. “I mean, with me, it’s ‘more the merrier,’ you know? The more people don’t take me seriously, the more par-tay we’re gonna have. I especially love it when I’m called a hoax. It gets me so hot.”

Left with little to go on, from both the President and the mainstream media, Claire Danish, 38, of nearby Roseville, CA, feels that she is left with no choice but to “roll over and take the damn virus.”

“Well, I do think this is all the making of the media,” said Ms. Danish looking suspiciously around the crowded Costco parking lot. “I don’t trust the hype. But if I get it, so what? What’s the worst that can happen?”

When asked about her car full of months worth of supplies, including enough toilet paper for four families and a case of Pepperidge Farms Milano cookies, she grew angry.


“Look, there’s nothing wrong with being prepared. It’s all an attempt by Newsom [California Governor Gavin Newsom] to turn us into Venezuela. The liberals would like nothing more than that, is all I’m saying. Abortions everywhere, no guns, no food, or toilet paper. That’s what happens when socialism is in charge. You run out of everything.”

As for the virus, it’s content with the current state of bickering in the United States.

“Look, man; I’m non-partisan. I’m for whoever is helping me. I know that sounds selfish, but why do you think I get along with humans so well? Wait until they find out my favorite place to camp out is on gun ammunition.”