McLean, VA — A recently declassified CIA memo claims that the Middle Eastern terrorist group known as ISIS have studied the tactics used in various Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay films, Gish Gallop has learned.
According to the report the terrorist group, which has sleeper cells located throughout the United States, has studied the sensational tactics used several Bruckheimer and Bay hits including: Con Air, Pearl Harbor, Black Hawk Down and oddly the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. There were also some notable omissions including the Lone Ranger, Prince of Persia and interestingly the Alcatraz terrorist drama, The Rock.
There is some debate, according to a CIA insider who chose to remain anonymous, whether all the films are used for training purposes or entertainment or both.
“There’s been a bit of an argument at headquarters about this,” the anonymous insider told Gish Gallop. “I mean clearly there’s some good destruction material in Con Air and Pearl Harbor, but National Treasure and the Pirates of the Caribbean films don’t seem to have anything in them that a terrorist would be interested in. It could be that they are Nicholas Cage and Johnny Depp fans.”
Bruckheimer and Bay’s films are often criticized for their low nutritional value. They typically feature gratuitous explosions and violence even at the sake of a good plot. Often the characters in the film are narrowly drawn and lack any kind of depth or humanity. In a nutshell, the films are the film-equivalent of a Taco Bell Burrito Supremeâ„¢. When asked about the composition of his films, Mr. Bruckheimer responded in this way:
“We are in the transportation business,” commented Mr. Bruckheimer. “We transport audiences from one place to another.” When asked why he makes films, he stated, “If I made films for the critics, or for someone else, I’d probably be living in some small Hollywood studio apartment.”
It is unclear at the time of this writing what the motivation is for studying these films, or what ISIS plans on doing with what it gleans from the action films.